Originally posted in The Spoof
Anderson Talker, a 31-year-old computer systems operator, has raised concerns about public safety to heights not seen since the days following 9-11, when he was diagnosed with a potentially incurable case of the clap, and was still allowed to enter the country.
On Wednesday Talker testified before a Senate committee by phone from the “You Really Should Have Known Better Hospital” in Denver. Talker told the committee that he thinks he got the vicious strain of clap while spending his vacation at a whorehouse in Singapore.
The Center for Disease Control became involved when Talker was rushed to a Singapore hospital after he set fire to the whorehouse men’s room when he missed the toilet while urinating.
The CDC claims that they had told Talker he had to get medical clearance to return the country when they learned he was going to spend his vacation in a Singapore whorehouse. Talker denies any previous communication with the CDC.
While in the Singapore hospital, which is on the second floor of the whorehouse, the CDC contacted Talker and told him he could not return to the country with the clap. Doctors in Singapore told him he was only contagious if he had sexual relations. While the CDC tried to prove this theory Talker snuck out of the hospital, went to the airport and boarded a plane for Canada.
The CDC has been trying to contact everyone aboard that plane to see if they have shown any signs of the clap, but Talker insists that it was impossible for him to have infected anyone, except for the hot stewardess who jerked him off in the bathroom. “But I told her to wash her hands,” he said.
When the CDC found that Talker had landed in Canada they informed Home Land Security. They faxed a copy of his passport photo to their boarder guards and reminded them that he should be easy to recognize because “If you have the clap and you know it your face will surely show it.”
Unfortunately there was a breakdown in communication and Talker was allowed in the country. He may have melded into society without being noticed if he hadn’t stopped to take a leak on the side of the road in Michigan and started a brush fire.
Talker was then taken to the hospital in Denver where they are holding him until they can tell if either he can be cured or if he has the worse “Heroes” superpower ever.
Members of Congress and Presidential candidates all weighed in on the Talker case. One lawmaker, who wished not to be identified, stated that terrorists could get the clap, and then slip into the country and effect the entire population. “I found out the hard way,” he said. “It’s not the burbka you bang, it’s the bang from the burbka.”
Democratic frontrunner Senator Hilary Clinton urged all Americans to be careful while having sex. “One thing about being married to Bill is outside of my mouth and my va-jay-jay I had no idea where that thing had been.”
At a Republican debate in New Hampshire Rudolph Giuliani was asked how many times he has had the clap. “You mean counting now?” Giuliani answered.
While the controversy swirls around him Talker remains confined to an empty wing of the Denver hospital being made to pee in the shower and not allowed visitors. “I just want to get back to the wife and kids,” he lamented.
They could not be reached for comment.
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