While Leagues Punish Players, NHL Offenders Skate

Imagine if OJ Simpson was named head coach of the Buffalo Bills.
Or Ron Artest coach of the Indiana Pacers then spent the rest of his career as a revered legend in the Hoosier state.
Imagine Alan Iverson killing a teammate while violating the law and having him turned into a sympathetic character beloved by all.
Imagine Pacman Jones waiting for a receiver to be alone over the middle, nowhere near the ball, and delivering a head to head blow breaking his neck. Imagine Pacman being suspended for a season, which he never serves because of a work stoppage, and the league, decides, when play begins, to waive the suspension, because he has shown remorse.
Imagine if several NFL players were sentenced to jail and not only did the league do nothing about the problem, but the media mentioned nary a word.
Imagine Jose Offerman, if he had actually fulfilled his intention to injure and left his target with a Grade 3 concussion, becoming a color commentator for the Arizona Diamondbacks and doing cameos on ABC Family shows.
Imagine if Michael Vick was found guilty of the charges he is facing but he wasn’t suspended and his sentence was wrapped around the NFL schedule so he didn’t have to miss any games. And imagine the media didn’t care.
In what kind of twisted world would something like this occur? Only one: The National Hockey League.
While OJ Simpson will never be allowed on a coaching staff, as part of a team’s front office, or in the broadcast booth after being found innocent of killing his wife and another man (not that I believe the verdict was justice) Craig MacTavish, is the head coach of the Edmonton Oilers, despite being found guilty of killing a woman in 1984 while driving under the influence of alcohol. While MacTavish didn’t premeditate the murder of the mother of his children, he still killed a woman, was sentenced to jail, and is in a position no one would ever dream of bequeathing to Simpson.
When the day comes that Ron Artest passes from this earth, near the top of his obituary will be his storming into the stands in Detroit to use his fists to pummel a fan. Artest’s brutal display earned him a season long suspension and is baggage that he will carry through the rest of his life. Any post-career NBA work is as unlikely as snow in Barbados. On the day after Christmas in 1979 Boston Bruins winger Terry O’Reilly led a charge into the stands at Madison Square Garden to avenge teammate Stan Jonathan who had his stick taken by a fan and hit in the head with it. O’Reilly, with glove, and stick, began to pummel the fan. He received an eight game suspension, became Bruins coach, is a legend in Boston for his toughness, and was Happy Gilmore’s favorite hockey player.
While there is no evidence that any NBA player ever killed a teammate while breaking the law, Dany Heatly killed teammate Dan Snyder while driving to endanger on September 23, 2003. He was found guilty of vehicular homicide and received a suspended sentence. The NHL found no need to suspend him. This past year he was a first team all-star. The accident is barely mentioned. One has to wonder if Iverson, a player as talented in his sport as Heatly is in his, had killed a teammate driving recklessly, it would be forgotten so easily.
Again, we can only imagine Pacman Jones breaking the neck of an opponent on a play where neither was near the action. We don’t have to imagine that with Todd Bertuzzi who sucker punched Steve Moore and broke his neck. He was arrested for assault and causing serious bodily harm. He received probation for his actions. He was suspended for a season by the NHL, but the players were locked out that year, and when the gates were unlocked, Bertuzzi was graciously allowed inside. He was also chosen to play for Canada in the 2006 Olympics. If football becomes an Olympic sport in 2008 and Pacman is selected by the league to be on the team the media earthquake will make Peru look like a vibrating bed. And let’s not forget, he didn’t break another player’s neck.
With the arrests of Pacman, Tank Johnson, Michael Vick, Artest, and Stephen Jackson the NBA and NFL respectively took steps to suspend the offenders. In the NHL Alex Zhamnov plead guilty to DUI, Pete Worrell spent ten day in jail for DUI, and Sergi Fedorov was found guilty of impaired driving in 2002. All these actions could have led to the deaths of innocent individuals. The amount of games the NHL suspended the admitted criminals. Zero.
While it seems obvious that Jose Offerman’s career came to an end Wednesday night when he charged the mound with his bat in Bridgeport Ct. with the intent to do bodily harm, Bruin Marty McSorely used his stick on Donald Brashear leaving him with a grade 3 concussion. McSorely was suspended for the rest of the season, but was welcomed back the following year, except his skill level had deteriorated, which kept him out of the game. He bounced back to become a commentator for Fox Sports and the San Jose Sharks, and recently played himself on the ABC family network show Greek. Does anyone imagine they will be hearing the words “Welcome to Game 3 of the NLCS, I am Joe Buck with my analyst Jose Offerman, who you can see Monday night on a brand new Hannah Montana?”
And while Michael Vick awaits a punishment he justly deserves Toronto Maple Leaf winger Mark Bell, who last Labor Day, while intoxicated, rear ended a vehicle leaving the driver injured in San Jose, was sentenced to prison for the infraction, the time to be served in the league’s off-season. Imagine the wringing of hands and outrage of the media if Vick receives a similar deal.
So, while the NAACP supports Vick and other black athletes charged with crimes, and white people shake their heads in disbelief at their knee jerk response to helping a fellow black man, remember the above named white athletes who committed crimes that led to severe injuries or death of innocent people, and were allowed back into the NHL, without nary of word from the mostly white media, and understand that those Vick supporters see this, and wonder how much trouble the Falcons quarterback would be facing if he was a Thrasher defenseman.
There has long been a hypocrisy about the media’s coverage of the NHL. The NHL reporters are white men raised by middle class parents reporting on young white men raised by middle class parents who share the same culture, listen to the same music, were raised the same way. You will often see members of the media say how much they enjoy being in NHL locker rooms and the polite way they are treated. This is code for no boom boxes blasting Hispanic or Hip hop music, no threatening posies protecting the stars, no hard to decipher slang.
But if you are looking for some justice it is this: While the NHL and the media covering it turns a blind eye to the crimes committed by its players, the three major sports in America quickly acts to suspend its lawbreakers, and the media covering them dissect every aspect of their crimes, those three leagues are thriving, and the NHL is dying.
And one is left wondering, has the average fan, from Terry O’Reilly’s assaulting fans, to the unpunished assaults on it’s players, to the special treatment given the players sentenced to prison, become tired of watching a sport that won’t police itself.
Maybe if the NHL and the media covering it want it to become a major sport again, they can start weeding out the bad apples instead of welcoming them back. If it wants to be a major league then perhaps the NHL should start acting like one.

The Death of Michael Vick

Notes from an Alternative Universe

It was Christmas Eve 2006, and Atlanta Falcons Head Coach Jim Mora had seen enough. His Falcons had lost, at home, to the Carolina Panthers, 10-3.

His franchise player, Michael Vick, did pass the 1,000 yard rushing mark during the game, but there was nothing else noteworthy about his performance.

He had been unable to move the offense. With 3:40 left to play they got the ball back and Vick led them to the Panthers 34 yard line. On 4^th and four he dropped back to pass, found a man, but didn’t elevate the pass, and it was slapped to the ground. They got the ball back with 14 seconds left and Vick promptly threw an interception. He finished the game 9-20 for 109 yards and two interceptions and Mora, whose job was on the line, had seen enough of his “star” quarterback.

He gathered his staff in his office and shut the door. “I think we have to do something about Vick,” he said tossing a ball in the air.

“Do you want to bench him?’ asked Quarterback coach Bill Musgrave.

Mora shook his head. “No, if we do that we are just going to create a quarterback controversy, I was thinking of something more drastic.”

“You can’t mean cutting him?” asked offensive coordinator Greg Knapp.

“I was thinking something a little more permanent,” Mora said. “What do you think about killing him?”

The two other coaches looked at each other stunned. “You can’t mean it Jim?” Knapp said. “You can’t kill a man over a football game.”

“Why not?” Mora asked putting down the football, leaning forward, and crossing his hands. “We own him, we have a contract saying it. He’s our property and we can do whatever we want with him.”

Musgrave rubbed his chin. “It’s crazy Jim, but it just might be brilliant too.”

“How do we do it?” Knapp asked.

“He’s in the hot tub now,” Mora whispered. “Maybe Bill could sneak in, grab a hold of his feet and hold them until he drowns.”

“All right,” Musgrave said. “But remember, we’re all in this together.” The other men agreed.

Mora and Knapp waited in the office, then they heard a splash, and could hear Musgrave yelling and grunting, and then heard a huge splash, and the sound of wet feet on the floor. Musgrave entered the office and tried shutting the door but Vick was right behind him. “What the hell you trying to do, kill me?” he screamed.

“Relax Michael,” Mora said. “We were just testing your reflexes, it’s an ancient Chinese method of gauging strength and agility and you passed.”

“Danm fool was trying to kill me!” Vick said.

“Ridiculous,” Mora said. “You’re our entire franchise Michael, we’ve known you since you were a little rookie pup, you think we would be so heartless that we would kill you after one bad outing?”

“I suppose not,” Vick said. “But no more of these Chinese tests, just keep your hands to yourselves before my agent brings you all up on charges.”

Vick stormed out of the office. “He’s stronger than he looks,” Musgrave said. “He almost kicked my teeth out. Well, at least that’s over with.”

“Nothings over,” Mora said. “Enjoy the holidays men, I’ll see you the 26^th.”

After practice on the 26^th the coach hatched another plan. They would get Vick alone in the Mora’s office, lift him over their heads, and slam him to the ground.

“Isn’t that kind of what happens to him every game?’ Musgrave asked.

“Yeah, but never by three middle aged men,” Mora said.

Mora called Vick into his office to say he wanted to apologize again about the near drowning incident when Knapp grabbed him around the waist and Musgrave tried to get a hold of his feet and lift him. Vick kicked Musgrave in the face knocking out three teeth and then slammed Knapp against a wall causing him to slump down and turned with a cocked fist to Mora.

‘Excellent Michael,” Mora said as his two coaches lay lifeless on the floor. “This kind of intensity, this fighting for your life, this is what you need to bring to the field. You fight like this every Sunday next year no one will be able to deny you an MVP award.”

“You people keep your paws off me!” Vick said and stormed from the room.

Musgrave gathered his teeth from the floor. “This is only a set back,” Mora said.

“Forget it Jim, I’m out,” Musgrave said. “And I am pretty sure that I heard Greg’s spine snap so I ’m going to take him to the emergency room.”

“Fine,” Mora said. “You want something done, you get it done yourself.” He then sat behind his desk as Musgrave struggled to carry Knapp out of the office.

The next day, after practice, Mora told Vick he needed to speak with him. He apologized for his assistants’ actions, and said they would both be fired. Then they spent the next two hours drawing up plays for an offense that would feature the quarterback’s skills.

By the time they were done the locker room was cleared out. “Why don’t you grab a shower,” Mora said.

Vick left the office, stripped, and grabbed his shower essentials. Mora watched him, then reached into his bottom drawer and pulled out an electrical cord. He then went to the quarterback’s locker and took the huge boom box that had annoyed Mora all year. He plugged in the extension cord, and slowly crept to the shower. When he got near he plugged in the boom box and The Baha Men began to play.

“What’cha doing with my music?” a naked, lathered Vick said as Mora appeared at the shower opening.

Mora smiled. “I can’t tolerate losers Mike, nothing personal, but if you don’t win, I’m not wasting my time training you, feeding you, or providing for you.”

“Wait!” a panicked Vick said. “How about keeping me around for breeding purposes. I’m a great specimen. I could give you hundreds of winners.”

“Losers don’t breed winners Michael, sorry.”

“But wait I got a rape stick at home…” and then he screamed. Mora had tossed the radio in, electrocuting the star quarterback.

As he lay dead in the shower Mora placed a call to Musgrave who returned. They wrapped Vick in towels and put him in the trunk of Mora’s car.

They drove to Mora’s house and dug a hole in the back yard. There was another skeleton already there.

“Who is that?” Musgrave asked.

“Bobby Herbert,” Mora said. “Now keep digging, and remember, we did nothing wrong, he was just a piece of property that didn’t work, like a vacuum cleaner, he’s wasn’t anything useful, like a dog.”

A sweating Musgrave nodded in agreement.

Vick implicated in cock figthing ring

We have learned that Michael Vick is also part of an alleged cock fighting ring as well as a dog-fighting ring. This is an interview with a man with first hand knowledge of Vick’s cock fighting

Q: How long has Vick been involved in cock fighting?

A: I think he’s been fighting cock since probably 11, or 12. That’s kind of early for cock fighting, some guys don’t start until 14 or 15 but Michael he started early. Of course I’ve heard of guys fighting cock at like nine, but that’s rare.

Q: Have you ever been present when Vick fought cock?

A: Oh sure! He’s known as a guy who brings a lot of money and a lot of cock. He’s always got the biggest cock.

Q: So he must have been very successful in cock fighting?

A: Well, the thing about cock fighting is it’s not the meat it’s the motion. He always brought a big cock but sometimes it didn’t do anything you know. Sometimes a big cock is just a big cock.

Q: Did you ever see him mistreat the cock?

A: Oh sure. I mean there were days Michael’s cock sucked. Once Michael got so upset at his cock when it lost that he choked it right there in front of everyone.

Q: That must have been very disturbing.

A: Well it certainly is something not easily forgotten.

Q: Did Vick ever seem concerned that he could get in trouble for cock

fighting?

A: Well it’s his cock. He takes good care of it. It’s well groomed. Always look good. But, you know, it’s a cock. A man should be able to do whatever he wants to his own cock.

Q: But surely you know that there are rules against cock fighting and agencies devoted to keep men from abusing their cock, whether purposefully or not?

A: Look, I have gone up against the MSPC Cock and all those other agencies, but a man’s cock is his cock, I mean come on, I don’t tell you what to do with your cock do I? Man’s got a right to handle his cock however he feels appropriate.

Q: And what about the cocks?

A: Sometimes a cock’s life is hard, sometimes it’s soft. But Michael, when he’s not fighting cock, he takes real good care of that cock, believe me.

Q: And how is your cock?

A: I have to take it to the vet because I think it burns when it pees.

Q: And do you think Michael will continue to put his cock in harms way with these fights?

A: Michael’s biggest problem with his cock is like it is in football, if Michael could just keep his cock in the pocket then it probably wouldn’t be hurt so much. I don’t know. Maybe it’s time for Michael to hang up his cock.

Q: Sound advice, thank you.