Two White House aides were killed today when Vice President Dick Cheney’s office, reacting to a subpoena from the Senate Judiciary Committee, tried to remove several man-sized safes from his office to a secure bunker in the basement. Movers lost control of the safes crushing the aides in the stairway.
Of more concern to the White House is that, on impact, the safes opened and their contents were revealed for several people, including reporters, to see. Reportedly among the items spilled from the safe was a life-sized Condoleezza Rice doll, which the Vice President referred to as his Condi-Ho doll. Although the doll was anatomically correct the Vice President insisted he only used it to learn her weaknesses.
White House staffers were also shocked to find L. Scooter Libby hiding in the safe. Libby admitted he had been there since he was indicted sending his little known twin, I Skippy Libby, in his place. “That is why he couldn’t remember anything,” Libby said. “Skippy works at a Jiffy Lube in Tuscaloosa.” Also found near Libby was brain matter, rumored to belong to Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, and to be from the part of the brain that controls memory.
The President, again being stumped by Sudoku, wandered out of his office, looked down, and found an old crumpled document. “Well look it’s the Constitution,” the President said. “Now there’s no need to be looking at that!” Cheney said ripping it from his hands and telling him to go back to his room.
Seconds later Harry Whittington and Heather Poe stumbled out arm in arm looking like two survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. Both verbally attacked the Vice President who admitted to locking up Whittington for becoming “pissy” about being shot in the face once the drugs wore off, and locking up Poe for gaying up his grandson.
Later in the day janitors reported finding a torn, stained, poorly folded document, which was identified as the President’s Road Map to Middle East Peace. When hearing of its existence the Vice President demanded that it be immediately shredded.