Thursday, June 28, 2007

Cheney's Man Safe Falls, Kills Two, Reveals Secrets

Two White House aides were killed today when Vice President Dick Cheney’s office, reacting to a subpoena from the Senate Judiciary Committee, tried to remove several man-sized safes from his office to a secure bunker in the basement. Movers lost control of the safes crushing the aides in the stairway.

Of more concern to the White House is that, on impact, the safes opened and their contents were revealed for several people, including reporters, to see. Reportedly among the items spilled from the safe was a life-sized Condoleezza Rice doll, which the Vice President referred to as his Condi-Ho doll. Although the doll was anatomically correct the Vice President insisted he only used it to learn her weaknesses.
White House staffers were also shocked to find L. Scooter Libby hiding in the safe. Libby admitted he had been there since he was indicted sending his little known twin, I Skippy Libby, in his place. “That is why he couldn’t remember anything,” Libby said. “Skippy works at a Jiffy Lube in Tuscaloosa.” Also found near Libby was brain matter, rumored to belong to Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, and to be from the part of the brain that controls memory.
The President, again being stumped by Sudoku, wandered out of his office, looked down, and found an old crumpled document. “Well look it’s the Constitution,” the President said. “Now there’s no need to be looking at that!” Cheney said ripping it from his hands and telling him to go back to his room.
Seconds later Harry Whittington and Heather Poe stumbled out arm in arm looking like two survivors of Oceanic Flight 815. Both verbally attacked the Vice President who admitted to locking up Whittington for becoming “pissy” about being shot in the face once the drugs wore off, and locking up Poe for gaying up his grandson.
Later in the day janitors reported finding a torn, stained, poorly folded document, which was identified as the President’s Road Map to Middle East Peace. When hearing of its existence the Vice President demanded that it be immediately shredded.

Overabundance of Beaver May Lead to More Gay Marriage In MA

The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is reporting that a recent influx of beaver in the state has caused hardships for many residents.

The beaver population, once near extinction in Massachusetts in the 80’s and 90’s is now thriving. Legislature Jane Thomas said the lack of good beaver in the late 20th century led to the passage of the gay marriage bill. “Without beaver, men seeking companionship had to find comfort with one another.”

But now, with the beaver explosion, it is many of the beavers themselves that are suffering. As many as two out of three beavers were unable to find dates for the dam prom. Thousands of parents had to stay home and comfort they’re little broken hearted beavers. “No one wants to go out with the ones with big teeth,” Thomas said.

The opponents of gay marriage in the state are concerned that the influx of beavers could make the institution more popular. “You put a bunch of lonely beavers together and the next thing you know they’re building dykes. Too many dykes and your state becomes flooded with gay marriages.”

Former Governor and now Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has come under fire for admitting that during a trip from Boston to Ontario in 1983 he only had room in the car for his five boys so he tied his beaver to the roof for the long ride. The former Governor could be facing charges of cruelty to his beaver if he returns to the state. The beaver lost control of its bodily functions on the trip and was later diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, although no connection has been made between the two.

Besides an increase in beavers the Massachusetts Fish and Game commission also says they have seen record numbers of: pussies, coochs, poontangs, quim, bearded clams, cooters, minges, muffs, bajingos, hoo hoos, cunnies, roast beef curtains, loose meat sandwiches, poonany, whisker biscuits, and twats.

Authorities were able to catch many of these critters during the annual Filene’s Basement bridal dress sale. Thousands of beavers streamed into the basement after the bait of cheap dresses. Once they were there the doors were sealed and the beavers were trapped.

“It is something we debated about,” said a member of the Fish and Game commission, “but if you have to bash the beaver, at least bash it in a wedding dress.”


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Jesus Frustated With Supreme Court ruling

The United States Supreme Court, in a 5-4 vote, declared that Bong hits for Jesus were illegal.

Jesus Fuentes, an unemployed roofer from Corpus Christi was outraged at the decision. “My brothers Pedro and Enrique do bong hits all day long and I have to sit there sucking on my little joint trying to keep up, it’s not fair,” he said.

Members of the ACLU were shocked at the decision. “To deny a person the right to occasionally take a bong hit because of their first name is a clear violation of their civil rights,” Jesus’ attorney Maureen Goodwin said.

Members of the Christian Right expect to see more white American children named Jesus. Mary McCarthy, a pregnant member of the St. Jude’s parish in Pittsburgh said, “It’s good to know that if I have a boy and he’s named Jesus he won’t be able to do bong hits. I will sleep peacefully at night knowing that when he becomes a teenager he’ll just be drinking and whoring like all the other good Christian boys.”

Manuel Ortega of the Mexican Council called the ruling prejudicial against his people. “We have to crawl under fences, swim the Rio Grande, hide from boarder security, enter the country in the trunk of a car, and when we get here, and it’s time to unwind, we have to ask if any of them are named Jesus, and if so, break the news: No bong hits for you.”

Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior to a dwindling amount of the population, was reportedly outraged at the decision, claiming hypocrisy. “You’re going to tell me my father never did bong hits?” he asked. “Look at the world, you would have to be stoned out of your mind to create what he did. I mean come on, putting wings on rats to make bats, definitely the act of a stoned man.”

Jesus said that he is under a tremendous amount of pressure: “People pray to me for their health, to get a job, that their children are safe, that their freaking baseball team wins, I mean My Name Almighty, sometimes a guy has to unwind. But I guess I’ll just have to stick to the Manischewitz.”

Buddha held a press conference saying, while holding his breath that he felt “terrible for Jesus, its rough man,” than exhaled a large amount of smoke and retreated to his temple.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Mastubating Melbourne Man Gets Stabbed, Keeps it Up

A Melbourne man who was caught by his girl friend masturbating in front of her two young children was stabbed twice by the woman, but refused to relinquish his grip on his mighty sword.

“I came home from my spinning class,” said Carley Nelson, “and found him in the shower naked, and treating his body like an amusement park in front of my son and daughter. I yelled at him to stop but he said he would not until Paris was free. I told him the Nazi’s had vacated the city 60 years earlier, but he was not satisfied. He then demanded I leave the area because I was making him lose concentration.

“When I tried to remove my two children he said I couldn’t because his arms were tired and he needed someone to hold the pictures.”

Said Jimmy Nelson, 8, “It was either hold the pictures or the swanker, and we decided to hold the pictures.”

Ms. Nelson then entered the kitchen, grabbed a carving knife and stabbed the man, Donny Peter, twice in the thigh. Although Peter lost his rhythm he continued with the act of self-flagellation.

Peter, President of the “Pump off to Paris” fan club, had tried to organize a world wide circle jerk until Paris Hilton was freed from her Los Angeles prison, called “Jerking off until She’s Off,” but, he couldn’t get their members up for the project.

Peter then decided to do the protest individually, in his girlfriend’s shower after she left him baby sitting, but he became distracted by the children watching the “Backyarddigans,” calling Uniqua a “stiff dick remedy;” and he found it to difficult to hold the pictures of Paris and perform the sexual act which is how the children became involved.

When the stabbing proved unsuccessful the mother of two got a brick and whacked it against Peter’s head, but the determined monkey spanker, while stunned, maintained a firm grip on his giant knob.

She then got a baseball bat and slammed it into his knees, but still, the man who came to be known as the Rasputin of chicken chokers valiantly held on to his own cock.

By then the police arrived and removed the children, but then took up a position in the hall because they knew his loaded pistol was about to go off.

A Brisbane Masturbation Negotiator was able to work with Los Angela county officials to end the crises, and, in an amazing coincidence, both Paris and Peter got off simultaneously.

Said Ms. Nelson, “If he and I could get off simultaneously I wouldn’t have to spend as much time alone in the shower either.”

Monday, June 25, 2007

Post Blames Cheney's Time Machine for Five Year old Story

Amidst criticism that the Washington Post’s “Bleak House” length expose on Vice-President Dick Cheney’s abuse of power has come five years too late, Post Chief Executive Officer Caroline Little announced today that the reporters Barton Gellman and Jo Becker had been ready to file the story in 2002 but were put into, what she termed, a Vice-Presidential time machine.

According to Post insiders Gellman has told his editors that he and Becker left a parking garage in the metropolitan DC area in late 2002, with enough information to bring down the Office of the Vice President, when they got into a cab.

They were shocked to see the driver was the Vice President, who kept driving faster and faster. The next thing they knew they were dropped off at the Post’s offices.

Except now it was five years later.

Little said that they debated running a story about the Vice-President’s time machine but decided to hold it until 2012.

She also stressed that the important thing to remember is not that it took five years to print the story, but that the Post was on the story the entire time.

Arthur O. Sulzberger, Chairman of the New York Times has called Little’s claims that the Vice President has a time machine ridiculous and just another Post excuse on why they were late with the story.

When asked why the Times did not run the story at all, never mind five year late like the Post, Sulzberger stated that the Vice-President has a mind control machine that stopped reporters from filing the story.

White House spokesperson Tony Snow scoffed at the idea, saying that the viral, sexy, stud of a Vice-President, who Snow just signed his Lexus over to, is at Appomattox seeing if he can get the Union a better deal on the Civil War.

Voting Dog Has Issues

A Washington state woman recently admitted that she registered her dog Duncan as a voter and allowed him to cast absentee ballots in several elections.

With America’s voter registration regulations second only to pre-invasion Iraq in abuses, chances are high that more dogs will be registering to vote before the 2008 Presidential election. Duncan has put the following on to gear candidates towards issues that could secure what may be the swing dog vote.

“Shut that Bob Barker the hell up!” Duncan demanded. “Spade and neuter means no sex. People get to have sex all the time, we know we sleep on the bed and keep rolling over on the wet spot. Daddy got’s to have some! You people can make birth control pills for yourselves, how about for us? Just mush it up in the food or stick it in a Snausage, we will eat anything if we can get laid.

“ Stop feeding us food made in China. There is a big difference between food made in China and Chinese food. Eggfuyoung may be good for you, wheat glutton sucks for us. What is wheat glutton anyway? If you won’t eat it don’t be feeding it to us. And for heaven’s sake if you can’t stand the smell of it don’t serve it. And just let the whole eating our own feces thing go. It’s something we do but don’t talk about.

“Stop dressing us up like we’re your dolls Sally! God gave us fur to cover our nasty parts we don’t need a sweater saying Mommy’s little girl. We got pulled away from Mommy while sucking her nipple, you’re not our mommy, get over it. And no bows in the hair either. Buy yourselves American Girl dolls if you need to dress something.

“Give us a break when we relieve ourselves on the rug. We live with you people and we know what you do on the rug.

“Just give us five minutes with that ‘Dog Whisperer’ guy. Pack leader? Calm and assertive? My ass. The guy’s got a cameraman and soundman with him wherever he goes. You ever been whacked in the head with a boom mike? Put him in that cage with us without backup, he’ll be submitting faster than a Poodle at the pound.

“Anyone who, while playing fetch with a tennis ball, does the fake throw thing so we go chasing after nothing, is put to death immediately.”

Duncan is planning to meet with both Hilary Clinton and Rudolph Giuliani in the coming weeks. When asked how he will decide whom to vote for he said a good whiff of the ass will be the determining factor.

Friday, June 22, 2007

13 year old Hugging Virginia Student Suspended by Howie Mandel

A thirteen-year-old Virginia boy has been suspended from school for hugging his girl friend in the school cafeteria, a violation of the school’s no touching rule.

“We absolutely forbid any physical contact between students,” said Howie Mandel, Principal of the Obsessive Compulsive Junior High School.

“We encourage self-touching if you desire physical contact,” Mandel said. “Instead of hugging his girl friend, the young man, in accordance with school policies, should have whipped it out and began masturbating. Nothing garners a young lady’s interest faster than masturbating in her general direction.”

The no touching rule covers all activity on school ground including athletic events, which explains why their football team was winless and gave up an average of 61 touchdowns a game.

To accommodate the no touching policy the school was modified in the past year so the corridors are now 50 yards wide and there are 160 separate single stall bathrooms.

PTA chairperson Hermonia Hughes said that she supports the school’s no touching rule. “Touching leads to petting, and petting leads to kissing, and kissing leads to intercourse and that leads to name calling like: ‘There goes Hermonia, the town pump with her mixed race child’; and Daddy disowns you and you end up living in a trailer park on the infield of the racetrack and the welfare people snicker at you until you go to Africa and pass the kid off as an orphan so some pop star pays you a million dollars for it and you move to a new town and start over.” After hyperventilating into a bag Hughes finished by saying: “Of course, this is an extreme case I only heard about.”

Mandel said that the policy discourages fighting. “We don’t want any physical contact, but we know there are going to be conflicts, so when the children enter school in the morning we give them handguns. At first we passed out knives but there was still too much touching. With guns they can settle their differences while maintaining several feet between them.”

Twelve students at OCJH have been shot to death in the last year but only one student has been suspended when they tried to perform CPR on a dying classmate.

Seniors complained when their prom was held at the Pocahontas State Correctional Center with male students on one side of the glass and females on the other. When songs played students put their hands on the glass and swayed back and forth. Poor planning put the females on the prisoner’s side of the glass leading to some very illegal touching when the male prisoners wandered into the prom area. “I got dumped at the prom for a guy doing 5-10 for armed robbery,” Todd Smith lamented.

Graduates will have their diplomas mailed to them: “To avoid all that icky post-graduate hugging,” Mandel said.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Beware of Killer Sand Holes at Beach

According a recent report in the “New England Journal of Medicine” more people have been killed at beaches by sand holes than by sharks.

In the latest incident a young Australian boy was killed, when, while playing in the sand, he was sat on by a 300-pound woman wearing a thong and was smothered between her cheeks.

“The number of children we have to revive after being carelessly sat on by thong wearing fatties is staggering,” said one Melbourne lifeguard. “Just last month it took three of us to free a lad from this lady’s ass, and a half hour to revive him.”

It’s not just overweight thong wearing female sand holes that are a threat either. “My young daughter saw a 450 pound man in a Speedo coming towards her and she became so frightened she ran straight into the ocean,” said a woman living in Nantucket. “We were barely able to rescue her in time. Now, when she sees an elephant on TV she gets the vapors.”

According to the report it’s not just overweight sand holes we need to be concerned about. A young child in Venice Beach had to be rushed to the hospital when drunken frat boys playing beach volleyball trampled him. “It’s almost impossible to go to the beach without encountering a sand hole,” his father said.

Margaret Thompson of Miami Beach lost her 76–year-old husband to a sand hole. “We were sitting on the beach minding our own business when these two little hot twenty year old girls walked by with their thongs barely covering their sand holes, and I heard Joe make a gasping sound and then his heart just stopped.”

Dorsal Fin Jones, a spokesman for the National Shark Association, said that sharks have been trying to keep up to the number of deaths caused by sand holes but have been futile in their efforts. “They have the advantage,” Jones said. “They are on land, we have to just snap at limbs and maybe get a torso, now if we could figure out how to get on land, we could even the score, but stuck in the ocean, we’re swimming against the tide.”

Occasionally, a death can be caused by both sand holes and sharks. Polly Swenson of London said that while on a trip to Bermuda her husband Andy took Viagra before going to the beach, and then, when seeing the young hot sand holes, got an erection, which he tried to hide by going into the ocean. “Then a tiger shark came by and bit his swanker clean off,” Polly said. “You know he always dreamed of getting head from a shark, but his dream turned into a bloody nightmare.”

According the Dorsal Fin Jones the swanker tasted like chicken.

Why am I Still Surprised When I touch a Burning Bush

I’ve become the child who is continually told not to put his hand on the hot stove, knows it will be painful, but is still surprised when he’s scorched after touching it.

My own personal stove is the Bush administration and today I got burned again when the President vetoed the stem-cell research bill.

I knew he was going to veto it. He told me: “Don’t stand too close, gonna veto that bill today heh-heh-heh,” and still, when he did it, I was angry.

Why do I get up in the morning after the evening forecast called for snow and am mad that I have to shovel? Why am I continually upset I can’t win at three card-monte? Is there something wrong with me?

I picture our President, his eyes glassy with tears, discussing Terri Schiavo, explaining to us like we were third graders, that when it is a choice between life and death, he always sides with life. I think of the 35 people who were executed in Texas during his last year as Governor. He sides with life, except when he decides that life isn’t worth living.

But isn’t stem cell research a no-brainer (sorry, poor word choice) for someone who sides with life? The amazing discoveries in this area could help cure Parkinsons, Alzheimers, certain types of cancer, and even bring, to those told they could never walk again, the ability to do so. Is there anything more pro-life than that?

Oh, but we would have to take the stem cells from excess embryos created for invitro fertilization, and, to the Bushies, being for human life means being anti-abortion. Even though these excess embryos would be discarded, it would resemble abortion like a duck resembles an elephant. We are pro-life unless you’re alive, then you’re on your own.

So why do I keep getting angry? Because we can never stop getting angry. Each time this excuse for a President does something that harms us, even when we see it coming like a pink L-Train, we need to get angry; if we become compliant the idiots win.

If I had one wish for President W it would be that his life be extended through the stem cell research for a hundred years, so he can see those history books he is counting on don’t remember him as Give Em Hell George but remember him as the President who nearly ended America’s reign as a great and prosperous nation.

That is what I hope for, what I fear is that the history books will say that he was the President who did end America’s reign as a great and prosperous nation.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Bloomberg Withdrawl Leaves Republcains With No Satisfaction

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg withdrew from the Republican Party yesterday causing the unsatisfied Party to slam its palm on the headboard, fumble in the nightstand for batteries, and disappear into the bathroom.

The sudden withdrawal left several political pundits facing a dilemma. Tim Russert of NBC news stated: “We have a map with blue states and red states, if Bloomberg runs what color will his states be? They can’t be white; everyone wants to live in a white state. Can’t be black, no one wants to live in a black state. Purple, orange, yellow? All too gay. We are saving green if Gore runs. Plus, that white board I use to calculate electrical college votes is only big enough for two candidates.” NBC has announced it has commissioned a 400 million dollar study to answer these questions.

“How we react to Bloomberg is a topic of discussion,” said one Democratic candidate’s advisor. “We hate everything about the Republicans, but do we hate Bloomberg? Do we embrace him? Which of these?”

Reached at his office in Gracie Mansion Bloomberg said: “It’s not a problem for me, I’m a New Yorker, we hate everybody.”

An advisor to a Republican candidate said: “The last thing we need in this election is a Jew. We got a woman, a black guy, a Mormon, if Bloomberg joins we’ll be one Hindu away from a Jackie Mason bit.”

There is also speculation that the three nominated candidates will be from New York: Hilary Clinton is leading the Democratic field and Rudolph Giuliani is leading the Republicans. Said one New Yorker: “If its three of our guys they oughta just let us decide the thing, it’s not like we give a crap what the rest of the country thinks anyway.”

Some suggest that Giuliani, Clinton and Bloomberg could join forces to run as a Presidential law firm.

Proponents of this idea picture a commercial with William Shatner saying: “Lose a family member to a terrorist attack? Worried about unfriendly nations having atomic weapons? Do you want someone to pay? Here at Giuliani, Clinton and Bloomberg we will make them pay and get you the satisfaction you deserve.” Cut to a cave at the Pakistan Afghanistan boarder: A young man enters. “Sheik Osama, we are being sued over our last terrorist attack.” “Who is representing the infidels?” Osama asks. “Giuliani, Clinton and Bloomberg,” he answers. “Oy-vay, better settle.”

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Circumcisions Suddenly Cut Off, Numbers Fall to the Floor

The number of circumcisions in the United States have been sharply clipped away and now their length is shorter than at previous levels.

Moyer Benjamin Weinstein, President of Synagouges Needing Israeli Penises (SNIP) has stated that the trend has driven many in his profession to work in restaurants cutting the ends off of stalks of celery. “And that doesn’t pay like a good dick whacking,” Weinstein said.

Timmy Deitlzer, born to a Sacramento family, is credited with starting the movement when, at three days of age, in the hospital, as the procedure began, he spoke his first words, stating: “Holy shit get the guy with the knife away from my johnson!”

“We were really impressed,” said his mother Beverly Deitlzer, “but also embarrassed when he grabbed the knife and shoved it into the doctor’s groin.”

Upon his release from the hospital, and a two-month stay in the Sacramento Baby Penitentiary, Timmy began acting strangely in Day Care. “He would build a wall with his blocks then begin meeting other boys behind them, we could not understand what was happening,” said one of the workers.

Soon after these meetings “Boys Against Less Long Swankers” or “BALLS” was born.

The baby boys began picketing outside local hospitals, chanting “Hell no let our Peepies Grow!” but soon the lines broke into disarray as the children began coloring their signs with crayons, wandering off in look of their mommies, or soiling themselves and playing with it. Local police had to break up the picket line with rattles, pacifiers, and in extreme cases, actual lactating nipples. “Lunch!” the boys cried.

Many Los Angels professionals who Support Circumcision, and call themselves LAX, blame Mexican immigrants, who do not perform circumcision, as leading to the change. “Of course we don’t perform circumcision,” Miguel Jiminez, a recent émigré from Mexico said. “How do you tell your little boy, OK bad news, we live in Mexico, and worse news: we cut your dick off, now go out in the street and play?”

“It was so hard for me to tell my Timmy why we cut half his wee-wee off,” Rebecca Ewing of Orange County said. “I swear if our gardener doesn’t stop dropping his pants in front of the boy I don’t care how cheap illegal immigration workers are I am sending him back.”

Monday, June 18, 2007

Confused Soprano Fans Prefer Blank Screen to "John From Cincinnatti"

Hundreds of television critics and millions of Americans sat in front of black television screens at 9:00 on Sunday to follow the continuing saga of “The Sopranos.”

“I think David Chase is brilliant to stay with the dark screen,” Missa T. Point of the Washington Post wrote. “You sit transfixed in front of the TV, waiting to see if something will happen. Will there be more clues? Will the darkness dissipate? It is brilliant television.”

“I can’t stop watching,” said Harrison L Sympleton of Lynchburg Virginia. “Plus, since I watch it with the television turned off, I save on my electric and cable bill.”

“Soprano’s” creator David Chase said: “The show is over. I did the black screen as an end to the show. If your television is off, and you see the black screen, it’s not a continuation of ‘The Sopranos.’ For God sakes turn on the TV!”

James Gandolfini, who portrays mob boss Tony Soprano, when learning of the millions of people watching blank screens thinking they were watching his program, immediately demanded a raise from HBO.

Entertainment Weekly’s television critic Red Toomutch Inntwoit credits the new season as ground breaking. “Chase is presenting the inside of Tony’s soul, the darkness, the stillness, the quiet, and you sit transfixed, waiting for that burst of light, the rapid gunfire. It is simply the most transfixing hour of television ever.”

E! Online’s Miss Unda Standit has a different take. “Tony has died, and this is his afterlife, week after week, lying in the ground, with everything black. Just like Bobby Bacalana said.” When informed that the character of Bobby Bacalana never said that everything goes black when you die Miss Standit said: “Well, I never really watched the show before, but I won’t miss an episode now.”

Steven Van Zandt, who plays Silvio Dante, told reporters that the show is actually a spin off, called “What’s Going On In Silvio’s Mind.” “He’s in one of those irreversible coma things you know, so he’s just lying there, and you see what he’s thinking.” Van Zandt told HBO that if they are going to continue to show his characters brain activity at 9:00 every Sunday he wants “Gandolfini money.”

David Milch, whose new show “John From Cincinnati” had it’s second episode broadcast at 9:00 on Sunday on HBO expressed his frustration at the scarcity of viewers for the program stating: “Those fucking hooples sitting at home watching their cocksucking televisions without the fucking things even plugged in blows the fucking mind don’t it?”

The blank screen showing of “The Sopranos” won it’s time slot on Monday beating the nearest competition by 4 million viewers.

Milch said: “What do you expect from a country that voted a blank screen President for two terms?”

No Price is Right Ending Angers Viewers

Millions of Americans called their cable companies Friday morning to complain that just before Bob Barker declared the winner of the Showcase Showdown their screens went to black and ten seconds later the credits rolled to a black backdrop.

Producer Roger Dobkowitz said: “Bob is an 83 year old man. All season long we have been building tension. Can Bob keep going? Is the skinny microphone going to slip from his hand as he drops dead just before signing off? We left that for the viewers to decide.”

The producers also left open the following question: “Is Bob dead, and if so who is responsible?”

Many fans were unsatisfied with the finale considering the dramatic punch delivered in previous episodes culminating during Wednesday’s show when model Rachel Reynolds was garroted during Plinko and announcer Rod Roddy was shot to death as he yelled: “Fred Pepitone come on down!” (gunshot) “and call 911 because someone fricking shot me!”

On Thursday’s show, during a sit down with associate producer Fingers Greco and members from Goodman-Todman, Fingers pointed towards “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebeck as the man who ordered the hits. Trebeck, a foreigner, is known as a greedy, selfish man who wanted to make sure he won best game show host at the following nights’ Emmy ceremony and attempted to decimate the “Price is Right” team so Barker could not finish the show’s run.

Trebeck, the host of America’s second favorite game show, was in the studio shooting Thursday’s episode when he read the Final Jeopardy answer “Bob Barker.” Seconds later when Trebeck asked the first contestant, a tall, elderly woman, what her question was she revealed: “Who Shot Me?” and as Trebeck began to state that this was incorrect the woman peeled off her costume to reveal it was Barker himself, who then shot the troubled Canadian three times instantly killing him. Unfortunately he had not bet enough to win the game.

Barker and Greco escaped into a waiting limo while Johnny Gilbert chased them with a shotgun.

In the limo Fingers asked him why Gilbert was shooting at him. “Trebeck was a pimp,” Barker said. “My enemy was Merv Griffen all along.”

Griffen and Barker interests conflicted because every morning Griffen awakens, goes outside, catches a rabbit, skins it to make mittens, and then eats its flesh. Following this he lets his 100 un-spade cats wreck havoc on the neighborhood.

Before Friday’s episode Barker and Griffen had a sit down and seemingly made their peace where Griffen agreed to spade his cats and stop wearing furry mittens and Barker agreed to let Trebeck win the Emmy posthumously and gave Griffen the rights to “Hi-Lo.”

So with the hostilities ended viewers expected a dignified send off to the series.

“But everyone knows Griffen is a snake,” Dobkowitz said. “He could have double crossed Bob, it’s all in the mind of the viewer.”

At this time CBS was still taking calls from angry viewers while Griffen denied any culpability, but, it was noted, despite the 90-degree heat, he was still wearing his furry mittens.

Paris Hilton States She Found God: God Issues Denial

Shortly after Paris Hilton announced that she found God at the medical facility of the Twin Towers detention center God has issued the following statement:

“I have in no time either been found by, or spoken to Ms. Hilton. My mother told me never to associate with women of her ilk since I received some bad press over that Mary Magdalene thing.”

A Hispanic janitor at the facility, Jesus Rodriguez, stated that when he went to her room to mop the floor Ms. Hilton asked him his name, and when he told her, she dropped to her knees, and Mr. Rodriguez, familiar with her film career, unzipped his fly.

But Ms. Hilton only wrapped her hands around his waist and said, “Thank God I found you.”

According to Jesus he replied, “Thank God I found you too but we got about two minutes before my supervisor gets here so lets do this thing.”

Jesus further recounted the meeting: “She then asked me for my forgiveness and I said hey lady I’d forgive Bin Laden if he’d toot my wanker, then she began to sob at my feet, which, for me, man, is a total turn off, usually women cry after performing fellatio on me, not before, and she asked for my protection, and I said sure, you know, I got the mop and all I could fight off somebody, I mean the worst thing that happens here is when Tom Sizemore goes off his meds, this ain’t exactly Riker's Island, and then she asked if it would be forever and I said lady I’ll do what I can but I got kids at home ya know? But if she wants to give me a room at the mansion and you know, finish the deal we began before she was crying then sure I would protect her forever.

“She then climbed into the bed and asked me to bless her and I said sure, I mean I never heard it quite referred to by that euphemism but I can bless with the best of them, but then my supervisor came by so I put my hand on her head and told her as soon as the supervisor was gone I would bless her three, four times, hell all night long if she wanted it, and she told me she did, badly.

“I went back later that night to, you know, bless her, but man, she’s got this rash, and I wasn’t going anywhere near that thing, you know? So I left her, but she seemed happy.”

When Hilton was asked if she might have mistaken Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for a Hispanic janitor she asked: “What a Hispanic?”

Pretentious Articles About Sgt Pepper Pass Album Sales

As of this morning the number of pretentious articles written in the last month about “Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band” has surpassed the amount of units the classic album has sold in the past 40 years.

In the article that pushed the written word past the sung word, Hugh Fallutin, of the Pompous Daily wrote, “Sgt. Pepper’s was the affirmation of the confluence of generational dissent inspired by an architectural revolution with ties to Keats and Shakespeare.”

Reached at his home at the corporate office of Starbucks where he is currently living with his girlfriend, Bethany Hamilton, the 16 year old girl who lost her arm to a shark in 2003, the limbless lover Paul McCartney said of Fallutin’s comment: “What the bloody hell does that mean?

“It was just a pop record,” McCartney, who last wrote a song that did not make ears bleed 34 years ago, said. “We needed money, we all had big drug habits, as is reflected in the music. Really, I mean, what a drag.”
Richard Buzzkill of “The Overly Indulgent Moderator” wrote: “Sgt. Pepper, the name itself, showed England’s lust for taste, not bland salt, but pepper, representing lust, the juices of life, but, still lonely, with all our technology, still in our flats, alone, disconnected, with hearts, still able to love, hoping for a band to join us.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake it was just a frickin name John came up with when he was high on peyote,” McCartney said.

Precious Onion of the “Overly Written Monthly” stated that the songs were “a frozen moment of a country reawakening from the dark night of war, with help from their friends, who make them better, fix holes in the yard, go kite flying, leave home, get a parking ticket, and in the ultimate irony, get killed in a car accident pushing that awakening back into darkness, it is the life of the butterfly, so beautiful, until it is swatted from the sky.”

McCartney, returning to the interview after getting a long desired good stubbing said: “Look, ‘Little Help From My Friends’ it was about drugs, we needed drugs to make the record because none of us could stand one another; ‘Lucy in the Sky?’ John’s song. None of us knew what the hell John was talking about. ‘Fixing a Hole’ I had drainage problems and writer’s block, I wrote about correcting it; next door a girl left home, her parents were bitching about it, I wrote down what they said. Walked to the studio, saw a sign about a benefit for Mr. Kite, said good morning to Rita the Meter Maid Ringo was shagging, and then John sang ‘A Day in the Life’ for us. I said great at least this turkey will have one good song. Oh, and ‘When I’m 64?’ was actually some notes I had made on my retirement plan which we mistakenly recorded while we were stoned. God, if I knew we would still be talking about that fricking record when I was 64 I never would have wrote it.”

When told of McCartney’s comments Flemish Pekingese of the Manchester Drone said: “So like Sir Paul to minimize the poetic episodic nave’s tail that enchanted us for generations as a touchstone to our collective Rubber Soul’s.”

When contacted at his home in London Ringo Starr said. “Oh yes, Rubber Soul, good album that.”

Iran Vows to Kill Porn Stars: Screech in hiding

On Wednesday Iran’s parliament voted in favor of a bill that calls for the execution of all persons convicted of working in the production of pornographic movies.

Later that day Screech announced he would be spending the rest of the summer in Mr. Belding’s basement.

Other prominent entertainers and politicos commented on the Iranian parliament’s action.

President Bush was outraged at the vote: “This takes away our fundamental freedom to jerk off while looking at two sorority sisters seduce the cable man. Freedom of masturbation is protected under our Constitution and I will not rest until a young boy in Tehran can whip it out and satisfy himself on the sidewalk outside the movie theater just like a young boy growing up in Midland could after seeing ‘The Last Picture Show.’”

Domino’s Pizza announced today that the hopes and dreams of thousands of their deliverymen were crushed by the Iranian parliament’s decision.

Massachusetts Democratic Congressman Barney Frank arranged a meeting with the Iranian ambassador to discuss if this ban was only on heterosexual porn and his office said he would issue a statement after the meeting.

Democratic Presidential hopeful Senator Hilary Clinton seemed to support the bill’s passage saying it would cut down on her husband’s hotel room bill while he was on the campaign trail.

Contacted in her cell at the Lynnwood facility in Los Angeles Paris Hilton said; “Oh man, this is the worst month evuh!”

Well known porn industry star Ron Jeremy told reporters that he would stick it out as long as possible while on the lamb. The lamb refused to comment.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said that he would need a clarification from the Iranian court if it was “still cool to own that shit.” Thomas also personally asked Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to pardon Long Dong Silver.

Republican Presidential hopeful Rudolph Giuliani could not be reached for comment as he and staff members were destroying all his home movies and photo albums.

Popular Porn director Wally Balls said: “This is why we don’t let the baggy black trousers make all the decisions. I’d gladly die before I changed my views on high class porn.”

David Chase Sues Flatbush Massage Parlor Over Lack of Happy Ending

A frustrated Soprano’s creator David Chase is suing a Flatbush Massage Parlor because he did not receive the happy ending he was promised.

Chase reported being harassed throughout the day, having his breakfast removed from the table before he had finished eating and having only half his hair cut before the barber announced he was through.

“This is how I envisioned his head,” Vito Spatforle, the barber said. “Everyone expects me to cut his hair all the way around, I prefer just to stop, bang, right in the middle.”

Chase then went to the Flatbush establishment to get a massage to help him relax after the less than stellar reviews of the final episode of his show “The Sopranos.”

“She used her oils on me, rubbed me, got rid of the tension, and then she began to manipulate my genitals in a way that I am accustomed to, and then she had me roll on my back and she straddled, me and then the lights went out and she was gone and I was left on the table extremely unsatisfied at the massage’s ending,” Chase said

“I don’t think the owners of this establishment understand how frustrating it is to be led to believe that there is going to be some big final payoff, to have dozens of hints dropped that you are going to get the ending that you deserve, and then boom! The lights go out and you’re left with nothing but disappointment,” he continued.

When reached at his home “Soprano’s” star James Gandolfini said “Hey what’cha gonna do?”

Jericho Supporter Asks CBS for Nuts Back

A Wisconsin man, who is the self-described world’s biggest “Jericho” fan was excited, but confused, when informed of people sending nuts to CBS to encourage the show’s renewal.

Wilbert P. Hayes has provided for us a copy of the letter he sent to CBS regarding the incident.

“Dear Sir or Madam:

“I would first like to first thank you for renewing Jericho. It is my finest program. In my excitement to keep the show on the TV, I did not pay attention to what folks were sending, so, I cut my balls off with my Uncle Junior’s fishing knife.


“I then put them in his cooler, and filled it with ice, and sent it via the overnight express man to CBS. While they were on route I discovered that (a) you had decided to renew the “Jericho” which made me very happy and (b) that people were sending you peanuts which was very upsetting to me, especially considering that I misunderstood when people, in their attempts to keep “The Barefoot Contessa” on the Food Network, were sending in angus meat, and not anus meat. They could not send that back to me.

“But my Uncle Junior has this real good doctor, well, he’s a veterinarian actually, but when his Bull Tuscaloosa got his testicles caught in the barb-wire fence he helped re-attach them, and he’s willing to give it a whirl with me.

“So, if you receive a small blue cooler that contain two testicles, and they are white, and partially distended, then I would be so happy if you could put them in your own ice, you can use the same cooler, and send them back to me. I will pay the postage. And again, thank you for putting Jericho back on the air. Now if I could just have my balls back that would be great.”

CBS spokesman Grant Underworth stated that no one at the Tiffany network either possesses or has seen a pair of balls and would not recognize them if the saw them.

Tough luck for Ball-less Wilbert P. Hayes, but happy viewing.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Of Bush, Hamas and John Lennon

Is the reason the world is in such a mess is because President W spent (a) too much time listening to John Lennon, and (b) not getting any of the words right. Reports from the East Wing of the White House are that the President sings "All You Need is Democracy / Everybody!/ All You Need is Democracy" while in the shower.

Bush did decree this on the Palestinians when he brought democracy to them at gunpoint. Then he forgot to tell them who to vote for. Imagine if his Governor Brother had done that in 2000?

President W thought if he brought power to the people they would give give peace a chance and it would be just like starting over for the Middle East, The hard times are over he thought. Instead Palestinians gave their support to a militant terrorist organization leaving President W feeling crippled inside.

Fifteen months later Hamas is in control of the President’s office in Gaza, but instead of by vote it was done by gunpoint.

Meanwhile what is left of Mahmoud Abbas’ government has fled to the West Bank, trying to reform, as did Jefferson Davis when he fled to Mississippi. One has to believe that they are the mice allowed to stay alive while the cat attends to other business, living breath to breath, until suddenly: pounce!

Meanwhile our President searches for Palestine on a map, and asks how a civil war can break out in a country that does not exist, like a baseball team having a fight in the visitor’s dugout.

President W. who, as a boy told his Dad I don't want to be a soldier looked for others to help him clean his mess. He demanded that Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert arm the Fatah government to stop the terrorists before we had to fight them here.

Olmert told the President such a move would be foolish. If we arm our enemy’s enemy, then, if they are over run, those arms will be used against us, and, since Fatah is still our enemy, even if they are victorious, what is to stop them from still using those weapons on us?

President W, who has authorized the supplying of weapons to the Sunnis, who, supposedly, would help quell the Shiite militias, felt instant karma hit him right in the face. The man who could not imagine planes flying into the World Trade Center (after he had been told it possible) or the levees breaking (when he was told it was probable) had never seen the danger in arming our enemies.

President W stays in the White House living in the same isolation as Abbas on the West Bank. W is left wondering how it all went so wrong, when all he ever did was listen to God.

The question the world has for President W is how do you sleep?

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Time for the Gay bomb is now

The year was 1994. Bill Clinton was in his second year as President and watching as plank by plank his party’s platform was destroyed.

Healthcare reform had been smashed and burned, and the issue of open homosexuality in the military was headed towards the wood chipper.

While the President worked in vain so homosexuals could openly serve in the armed services, the Air Force was asking: “what if there was nothing but queers in the military?”

Of course not our military, we didn’t want a single one, but the military of our enemy? Hmmm.

The possibilities were endless. Imagine developing a bomb that turned the enemy queer? Why they would put down their guns and begin to kiss one another. Then shirts would be ripped open, belts thrown off, and while the soldiers made forbidden love to one another we could march right over them while cornering the market in the gay porn industry.

According to Dan Glaister at The Guardian documents released to a biological weapons watchdog in Austin, Texas confirm that the US military did investigate the idea. It was included in a CD-Rom produced by the US military in 2000 and submitted to the National Academy of Sciences in 2002. The documents show that $7.5m was requested to develop the weapon.”

One imagines the great thinkers of our military sitting at a conference table and one man saying: “What if we could turn the enemy gay? Oh never mind, that’s just crazy,” and then a supervisor says. “Is it crazy Jenkins? Or is it genius?”

Well, apparently, 7.5 million dollars of your money later, it was crazy.

I think history will look back on this as one of the great lost opportunities for our country. Imagine if, in what should have been his final message when Osama Bin Laden was surrounded in Bora-Bora, he had radioed his followers: “I am sorry I have let you all down, especially you Sheik Mohammed with your firm nipples, hard calves and glistening cock. I forget Death to America I cannot leave your manhood!”

Of course Guantanamo Bay might make people a little squeamish. Terrorists would not go on hunger strikes for freedom but for more frequent showings of “Cocktail.”

But on the other hand wouldn’t we rather see Shiites and Sunnis embrace on the Baghdad street while performing a gentle reach around then the carnage that is there now?

The true genius of the plan is that homosexuals don’t reproduce. Instead of a new terrorist being born every day a new terrorist would be adopted once every three months after a grueling interview process and several intrusive home visits.

But the development of the gay bomb would cause other countries to try to duplicate our efforts. Now, if only one country, say Russia, developed the technology, we might be all right, because despite the posturing, the threat of MAB (mutually assured buggary) would keep the forces at bay.

But how soon would it be before rogue nations began to try and develop the gay bomb. Imagine if a country like Pakistan developed this weapon? You know Pakistanis; they can’t keep a secret about anything, that’s why there are no Pakistanis on the crew of the “Sopranos.”

Reportedly the President is upset that news of the bomb leaked. At a cabinet meeting Bush was quoted as saying: “What would happen if the terrorists got their hands on one of these gay bombs and set it off in San Francisco? Then the entire city would be filled with queers. Hmmm? What? I did it again didn’t I?”

While the gay bomb has never come to fruition if it ever had it would have fulfilled the 60’s philosophy of making love and not war.

Mexican Immigrant Bill Dies in Senate

Originally posted in The Spoof

Bill Jimenez, an illegal émigré from Mexico, whose lone dream was to tour the halls of Congress, rode his donkey across the boarder and all the way to the Capitol Thursday, only to have the donkey stall in the Senate; and then the man who came to be known as “Immigration Bill” expired, never getting off the Senate floor.

Before Immigration Bill died he told reporters: “I just wanted to come to see how justice works. But my ass very tired and no move.”

When asked how an immigrant on a donkey managed to get past Capitol security officers a spokesperson said: “The number of Asses who pass through here every day you expect us to notice this one?”

A bi-partisan group of Senators attempted to push Bill through the Senate, leading it towards the passage, but other Senators blocked them refusing to let Bill through. “At least let me use the restroom,” the frustrated immigrant said.

President Bush, at a conference in Germany, where he had been told there would be ponies, was informed about the crises and urged the Legislators to get Bill out of the Senate.

“I’m from Texas,” he said. “Believe me, you get a Mexican stalled in the house, it is hell getting them out. I had to call an exterminator and it cost me $5,000. Plus if you let them expire it takes months to get rid of the smell.”

Senate conservatives did not heed the President wishes and continued to block Bill’s passage, saying that letting him pass unimpeded would only encourage others Mexicans to enter the chambers illegally and ordinary Americans would be unable to enjoy the tour being surrounded by farting donkeys, bowls of peppers and rice, and urban sombreros.

Bill was said to become agitated being caught between one group pushing him through and another blocking his exit. He then had a panic attack when he heard Senator John Cornyn, Republican of Texas, mention “jamming Bill through Congress.” “Oh please, do not jam Bill, I was in Mexican prison for three months and got jammed every day. That’s why I come to America.”

While the Senators were arguing amongst themselves Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed noticed that Bill had slumped off his ass. Reed ran to the fallen Bill and did everything to revive him but after several minutes he announced that the lovable “Immigration Bill” had died on the Senate floor.

One of Bill’s biggest supporters for passage, Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy refused to admit that Bill was dead and rallied his supporters to keep trying to push him through. “Yeah like we’re going to let you determine when someone is dead, Aquaman,” Senator Trent Lott said.

While the Senators debated what to do with the remains the ass moved into the offices left vacant by the recent death of Wyoming Senator Craig Thomas stating that, while there may not be room for Mexican immigrants in Congress, there is always room for another ass.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

America Panics As Man With Clap Slips Into Country

Originally posted in The Spoof

Anderson Talker, a 31-year-old computer systems operator, has raised concerns about public safety to heights not seen since the days following 9-11, when he was diagnosed with a potentially incurable case of the clap, and was still allowed to enter the country.

On Wednesday Talker testified before a Senate committee by phone from the “You Really Should Have Known Better Hospital” in Denver. Talker told the committee that he thinks he got the vicious strain of clap while spending his vacation at a whorehouse in Singapore.

The Center for Disease Control became involved when Talker was rushed to a Singapore hospital after he set fire to the whorehouse men’s room when he missed the toilet while urinating.

The CDC claims that they had told Talker he had to get medical clearance to return the country when they learned he was going to spend his vacation in a Singapore whorehouse. Talker denies any previous communication with the CDC.

While in the Singapore hospital, which is on the second floor of the whorehouse, the CDC contacted Talker and told him he could not return to the country with the clap. Doctors in Singapore told him he was only contagious if he had sexual relations. While the CDC tried to prove this theory Talker snuck out of the hospital, went to the airport and boarded a plane for Canada.

The CDC has been trying to contact everyone aboard that plane to see if they have shown any signs of the clap, but Talker insists that it was impossible for him to have infected anyone, except for the hot stewardess who jerked him off in the bathroom. “But I told her to wash her hands,” he said.

When the CDC found that Talker had landed in Canada they informed Home Land Security. They faxed a copy of his passport photo to their boarder guards and reminded them that he should be easy to recognize because “If you have the clap and you know it your face will surely show it.”

Unfortunately there was a breakdown in communication and Talker was allowed in the country. He may have melded into society without being noticed if he hadn’t stopped to take a leak on the side of the road in Michigan and started a brush fire.

Talker was then taken to the hospital in Denver where they are holding him until they can tell if either he can be cured or if he has the worse “Heroes” superpower ever.

Members of Congress and Presidential candidates all weighed in on the Talker case. One lawmaker, who wished not to be identified, stated that terrorists could get the clap, and then slip into the country and effect the entire population. “I found out the hard way,” he said. “It’s not the burbka you bang, it’s the bang from the burbka.”

Democratic frontrunner Senator Hilary Clinton urged all Americans to be careful while having sex. “One thing about being married to Bill is outside of my mouth and my va-jay-jay I had no idea where that thing had been.”

At a Republican debate in New Hampshire Rudolph Giuliani was asked how many times he has had the clap. “You mean counting now?” Giuliani answered.

While the controversy swirls around him Talker remains confined to an empty wing of the Denver hospital being made to pee in the shower and not allowed visitors. “I just want to get back to the wife and kids,” he lamented.

They could not be reached for comment.

The Cubpranos

Originally posted at: Big Dave on sports

When season 131 of the Cubpranos started in April both fans and critics had high hopes. Seeking to improve on lackluster ratings the shows producers’, the Tribune Company, brought in new characters including head of the family Lou, and new hit man Alfonso Soriano. But as we approach the mid season episodes neither fans or critics are impressed and the ratings have not improved. The Graveyard sat down with writer/director Jim Hendry and new star Piniella to discuss the past episodes and what we can expect as we head towards the season finale in October.

Graveyard: Piniella, your character was brought on the show specifically to make it more successful, how do you think you have done?

Piniella: I can only read the words they give me and act with the actors I have. I can’t write the show, direct, and play everyone’s part.

Hendry: I think what Piniella is trying to say is that we haven’t meshed as a company like we had hoped.

Graveyard: Was the character of Lou the right choice to head the family?

Piniella: Well he’s a guy who has had a lot of success in the past, he was big in the New York family, then made the Cincinnati family the world’s strongest, and then he went to Seattle and when they went to war with the New York family they completely wiped them out, so yeah, I think you can see him stepping in and taking over the Chicago family.

Hendry: But he’s also been out of the business for years. He’s been down in Tampa running a little family, you know, small potatoes. Then he takes a year off and he comes back to Chicago and part of the story is can he go back ten or eleven years and be the man he was then, or has he lost it? That’s a lot of the inner strife you see in the character.

Piniella: [angrily] I don’t think he’s lost it. He’s still a very strong character.

Graveyard: Well I have noticed in the latest episodes you have increased the violence, there was the fight between Carlos and Michael, and then Lou got into it with someone from the commission.

Hendry: The Carlos character is really at a crossroads. He could be a bigger earner in other families but he likes Chicago. But the worse things are for the Cubprano family, the less attractive he is to other families. And we have always written him as a bit of a hot head. He doesn’t like working with screw-ups and Michael’s character is a screw up.

Graveyard: But isn’t that the fault of the boss? And worst of all they fought at the Wrig and one of the rules on the show is you don’t disrespect the Wrig.

Piniella: You don’t see every scene. We can’t put everything on camera. Lou dealt with both Carlos and Michael very sternly. Both know they will be sleeping in the Chicago River if this happens again. He won’t stand for it. Lou can’t afford to lose Carlos to another family but I think if he could get a moment alone with Michael he’d put a bullet through the back of his head.

Graveyard: And Lou’s reaction when a sit down with the Atlanta family went awry?

Piniella: He’s an emotional guy, and yeah he may have overreacted and he got slapped down by Buddy Sells, but Lou isn’t afraid of the Atlanta guys or the commission. He’s showing his family he will stand up for them.

Hendry: When I wrote the scene it was to show Lou totally losing his emotions over everything that has happened. You are going to see that more as the season progresses. Lou is wrestling with some pretty heavy demons.

Piniella: Lou didn’t lose his emotions. Lou doesn’t have demons. Get off Lou’s ass.

Graveyard: You say that Lou is showing his family that he stands up for them, but there had been a number of times he had singled out family members for their mistakes, most memorably Dempster.

Piniella: Lou is the type of guy who, if you are going to be in his family, you have to be accountable. Again, you don’t see every scene. Lou is a big supporter of Dempster.

Hendry: You’ll notice, when Lou’s not in a scene, you can see how his men don’t respect him. Dempster is openly talking about joining another family.

Piniella: Guys blow off steam. Everyone likes and respects Lou as their boss.

Graveyard: One of the big moves the show has done this year was to bring in the Soriano character as a hit man; he was to be as big a character as Lou. How do you think he’s done?

Hendry: The Soriano character has been slow to develop, I’ll admit, but he is still going to be the star of the show soon. He has great cross ethnic appeal, and once the character hits his stride I think he’ll be the best on TV.

Piniella: You know I didn’t sign these guys; I just have to act with them. The kid shows up late, holds up production, and he’s just sleepwalking through his scenes. That is reflected in the work. I don’t see his character ever catching fire like people thought, but of course he’ll be prominent in every story because the writer here pushed for him. But if Lou had his way he’d take him out behind the Wrig and teach him a lesson he would never forget.

Graveyard: I think the fans and the critics agreed that the show had to change. Last season’s finale saw Boss Baker’s character get whacked, two of the shows biggest stars, Prior and Wood were wounded and may not be back, three seasons before that you had Sosa, who was basically the star of the show, killed along with his boom box by Wood and Barrett, have any of these changes helped?

Hendry: The Prior and Wood departures were out of our control, we thought we could build the show around them, and Sosa’s character had played out, as had Baker’s, so we think with Lou, and Soriano, we are going to have those ratings back where they were four years ago.

Piniella: When I came here I thought that the Wood and Prior characters would be part of the show; unfortunately I was misinformed which makes Lou’s job as a boss harder. On the show Lou’s got a bunch of journeymen earners who no other families wanted and the shows got a bunch of uninteresting journeymen actors, so I don’t know, I just read the words written act with the actors they give me.

Graveyard: It sounds like there is some problem with you two, how is your working relationship?

Hendry: Fine

Piniella: It sucks.

Graveyard: Just one more question Mr. Hendry and I know you get asked this a lot, in 2003, when Prior and Alou shoot Bartman and took him out into the snowy woods to bury him and he escaped, are we ever going to see him again?

Hendry: [Smiling] I’ll never tell.

Piniella: [Frowning] Go fuck yourself, Jim.