Gore Hopes Sons Arrest Start of Pattern

First published and edited by http://www.pugbus.net

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Former Vice President Al Gore announced today that he believes the guilty plea entered by his son, Al III, on Monday is the kick-start the Gore family needs to become an American political dynasty like the Bushes and the Kennedys.

Mr. Gore's son, 24, pleaded guilty to two felony counts of drug possession, two misdemeanor counts of drug possession without a prescription, and one misdemeanor count of marijuana possession. The charges stemmed from his early July arrest in Orange County, California, where he allegedly was driving one hundred miles per hour in a Prius.

“In today’s political climate you can’t hope to be the country’s first family without a number of arrests and deaths,” said the elder Gore. “The Kennedys have a huge head start, and the Bushes a healthy advantage. All I’ve got so far is an elder sister who died of lung cancer in 1984, but with this guilty plea, which sounds pretty darn impressive to me, we have thrown our family’s hat into the ring.”

A source close to the Gore family said the vice president hopes his three daughters—Karenna, 33, Kristin, 20, and Sarah, 28—will put their shoulders to the wheel. Indeed, said the source, Gore family strategists have already met with Kristen to encourage her to have an affair and subsequently a child, preferably with a reality show star “of questionable ethnicity.”

The Gores have also been putting pressure on newlywed daughter, Sarah.

“Whenever I talk to my parents, it’s always ‘why can’t you be more like Lindsay, why can’t you dress like Britney?’” she said. “Every time I go to our family’s vacation home, I get up in the morning and my underwear is missing.”

A Gore family spokesperson said that Sarah is “just being rebellious,” but the Gores fully expect her to be photo-
graphed naked in an alley with a needle in her arm by Christmas.

“Nothing could make a dad happier,” the former vice president sai

As Green as it Gets: Al Gore's daughter weds

Al Gore’s daughter Sarah was married on July 14 in Beverly Hills to Bill Lee. “I admire a man who conserves letters in his own name,” the beaming father of the bride said.

The Gore family is looking to Sarah as their next political star. “I think she has a huge future,” her father said. “Nobody doesn’t like Sarah Lee.”

Dedicated environmentalists, the Gores sought to make the wedding as Green as possible, holding the ceremony on the hotel grounds and abstaining from electricity. Instead of a limousine the bride arrived in a horse-drawn carriage. “It was absolutely stunning,” said one guest. “Of course the girl smelled like horseshit all day.”

An embarrassing moment happened when Gore, walking his daughter down the aisle, mistakenly walked across the lily pond leaving Sarah knee deep in the muck.

The bride was quickly dried off. She was resplendent in a white chiffon dress reportedly made by Fairies in a magical forest near the Gore homestead. (Replicas can be purchased at Barney’s for $12,000; second day cross country air delivery an extra $1,000.) The groom wore traditional tie, tails, and an enormous hard-on.

As the sun set parties reveled under gas lit lanterns and listened to a string quartet with no amplification while eating free-range chicken cooked over an open pit. Said a Gore family representative: “It was just like John and Abigail Adams’ wedding, 40 people contracted small pox.”

The only two misfortunes occurred when An Inconvenient Truth producer Laurie David, who was not invited, kept buzzing the ceremony in her Cessna, and when Tipper lived up to her name and passed out in the lily pond leaving a hapless Al standing on the water unable to get to her and cursing his divinity.

Geriatic Performers Drain Live Earth

The amount of good that the Live Earth concerts achieved has been offset by the amount of non-renewable energy used to keep the geratic performers satisfied.

Problems began in London when promoters could not keep the Rascal scooter used to get Phil Collins to the stage charged. Auxiliary generators had to be acquired to start the elderly transporter. Once on stage Collins had to stop several times for oxygen, then demanded a case of Lipitor be flown in for the after party.

In New Jersey Roger Waters body had to be flown in a special air-conditioned plane from the cryogenics lab where it has been kept frozen. Despite hot July temperatures Waters’ body did not thaw and extra heaters needed to be rushed in. Waters was revived minutes before taking the stage.

Waters showed his age by changing the lyrics to “Brian Damage:”

“Get those f***ing kids off my grass

Get those f***ing kids off my grass

I’ll call the police unless someone gets those kids off my grass

Got to keep the f***ing kids off my grass”

In America extra water needed to be piped in making people in upper New Jersey suffer from low water pressure and causing a sprinkler ban; because Sting’s hair needs to be watered every 15 minutes or it turns brown and falls out. Also many in London lost power as Madonna insisted her vibrator needed more juice before taking stage yelling at her manager: “I need more power Scotty,” while Scotty yelled back “I am doing everything I can be she’s breaking up down here.”

Organizer Al Gore still claimed the concert was a success saying the public learned just how much energy it takes to keep a few pampered, sexually indulgent, balding rock stars satisfied.