Pope Names McCain Patron Saint of Lost Causes

Pope Benedict XVI has named Arizona Senator John McCain the patron saint of lost causes.

The appointment came after McCain left the Senate floor where he gave a speech supporting President Bush’s hopeless plan in Iraq; and then expressed confidence that his campaign was still viable.

McCain said he expected his candidacy to rebound, but pundits compared it to the Robert Rodrigues/Quintin Tarantino film Grindhouse, which bombed like a Volvo outside an Iraqi café.

In hopes of reviving his campaign McCain fired many top advisors and is looking to replace them with cheap illegal aliens with passable English skills.

McCain questioned many staffers on missing campaign funds, which led to the exit of his top advisors. Aides claim that much of the money was spent on equipping the candidate’s “Straight Talk Express” for a planned jump over the Grand Canyon on the 4^th of July. McCain aborted the stunt when advisors convinced him there were Viet Cong down there.

Subsequently the Straight Talk Express has been renamed the “Get the f**k off the Bus Express.”

Staffers still say they believe McCain can win the Presidency and fulfill hiss optimistic view of America; a country filled with Mexicans and no Arabs.

Vitter Elected GOP Perv of the Week

July 10, 2007 – Louisiana Senator David Vitter acknowledged today that his name is linked to phone records of Deborah Jean Palfrey: “The D.C. Madam,”

Vitter admitted he committed a “serious sin. I mean tossed salad serious, stuff that would make The Aristocrats blush.”

Vitter said that he has discussed the matter with his family and the Lord and has been granted forgiveness. God issued a statement from eternity asking not to be dragged into the matter.

Vitter said that Palfrey ran an “erotic fantasy service.” He also admitted to being part of the “erotic slide in head first fantasy baseball camp,” and the “erotic slide trombone band camp.”

Montgomery Blair Sibley, Palfrey’s lawyer said he was surprised at Vitter’s statement because the phone records were never made public. A spokesman for Vitter’s office said the Senator: “Is basically a moron.”

In a further blow to Vitter, despite his claiming many erotic episodes with Palfrey, the Madam does not recall him. “Tell her I was the one who liked to burn the Constitution and lick the ashes off her chest,” Vitter said.

In an interview in 2004 Vitter’s wife Wendy said that she was more the Lorena Bobbit type than the Hilary Clinton type when it came to infidelity. On being reminded of this Vitter immediately entered the PPP, the Penis Protection Program.

Geriatic Performers Drain Live Earth

The amount of good that the Live Earth concerts achieved has been offset by the amount of non-renewable energy used to keep the geratic performers satisfied.

Problems began in London when promoters could not keep the Rascal scooter used to get Phil Collins to the stage charged. Auxiliary generators had to be acquired to start the elderly transporter. Once on stage Collins had to stop several times for oxygen, then demanded a case of Lipitor be flown in for the after party.

In New Jersey Roger Waters body had to be flown in a special air-conditioned plane from the cryogenics lab where it has been kept frozen. Despite hot July temperatures Waters’ body did not thaw and extra heaters needed to be rushed in. Waters was revived minutes before taking the stage.

Waters showed his age by changing the lyrics to “Brian Damage:”

“Get those f***ing kids off my grass

Get those f***ing kids off my grass

I’ll call the police unless someone gets those kids off my grass

Got to keep the f***ing kids off my grass”

In America extra water needed to be piped in making people in upper New Jersey suffer from low water pressure and causing a sprinkler ban; because Sting’s hair needs to be watered every 15 minutes or it turns brown and falls out. Also many in London lost power as Madonna insisted her vibrator needed more juice before taking stage yelling at her manager: “I need more power Scotty,” while Scotty yelled back “I am doing everything I can be she’s breaking up down here.”

Organizer Al Gore still claimed the concert was a success saying the public learned just how much energy it takes to keep a few pampered, sexually indulgent, balding rock stars satisfied.

Bush confuses commuting with conjugal and frees Libby

While many people across the country are outraged at President Bush’s commuting the sentence of Scooter Libby those in Washington blame Vice President Dick Cheney for fooling the gullible President.

According to sources imbedded in the White House the President confused commuting a sentence with conjugal visit, and reportedly made his decision based on Chaney convincing him that Libby’s wife Harriet “had to have it.” This confusion also led to the President not commuting Paris Hilton’s sentence, as he reportedly said: “That girl done enough commuting I saw it on the TV machine.”

As the Presidency collapses more former aides are speaking out of the Vice President’s trickery: including convincing the President that invading Iraq was the way you eat Texas barbeque ribs at Chili’s and domestic spying was needed because Laura was banging her Secret Service guard.

Although his sentence has been commuted Libby must still perform community service. This morning Libby was seen entering Cheney’s office wearing kneepads. Reportedly he was to work on Cheney’s limo which needed a rim job. For the remainder of Cheney’s term Libby will live in his man-sized safe where he can care for Harry Whittington who slipped into a vegetative state shortly after Cheney shot him in the face.

Cheney has maintained Libby is innocent because he acted under his authority, and he is neither a member of the legislative or executive branch, and since he works in D.C., which is not a state, did not commit a crime on U.S. soil.

Cheney met with the President this morning to try to explain how that Brownie guy who messed up New Orleans so badly could be in charge of England. “The guy who screwed up New Orleans is still in charge here,” Chaney said. “It keeps us on equal footing.”

Washington to Replace Farfour on Hamas TV

Actor Isaiah Washington, fired from “Grey Anatomy for making homosexual slurs, has been hired by Hamas run Aqsa TV to replace recently martyred mouse character Farfour on “Pioneer of Tomorrow.”

“Thank God I can finally work for a network that is not intolerant of bigotry,” Washington said. “I know I have been typecast as faggot hating, but I can expand my range to Jew hating as well.

“It’s great to work at a place where, instead of faggots getting contract extensions, they get beheaded,” Washington said.

The show will be built around Washington’s character, a bomb maker, currently named Dr. Chemical Ali Boom-Boom Washington. Talent scouts are currently peeking under burbkas in the West Bank looking for a love interest to be named Dr Christina Bang. “She’s has commitment issues,” Washington said. “I strap her in a bomb and have her meet me at the Synagogue but then I realize she can’t go through with the detonation. It’s very moving.”

Hamas is trying to lure Mel Gibson to play Washington’s bitter grandfather who still holds the papers to the family land in Tel Aviv. One stumbling block is that Gibson wants the show to be filmed in Yiddish, and he would like Israel cleared of all Jews before shooting begins. Producer Ali Hamin Spielberg stated, “If all the Jews left Israel it kind of takes the oomph out of the show.”

The show will still have children’s characters including Sheik Goofy, who keeps blowing up cars in the wrong spot, Minnie Farfour, who is bent on martyring herself after the death of her husband, and Pluto, a militant dog filled with hatred because he is no longer a planet.

Washington expects the show to be a big hit with kids who want to die.

I Phone No One Answers

The I-Phone has quickly become a hot selling item among consumers this weekend with its multiple functions and uses. Tony Duarte of Pittsburgh said: “I don’t know how to make a phone call with the thing.”

Apple’s new geek toy has proven to be a popular instrument in the field of self-pleasure. “It has several vibrating attachments,” said Apple creative director Arthur Anderson. “Say that you have always dreamed of having Brad Pitt somewhere in your body. You could choose his picture, and his sex voice tone, and then put it in the orifice of your choice, and he could vibrate and talk to you at the same time. It is very stimulating, although it is recommended you wipe it off afterwards.”

“I was stuck in a flood,” said Margaret Jones of Texas, “and I tried to call for help and the thing didn’t work.”

“If Ms. Jones had read the 25,000 page instructional manual she would have found on page 12,620 that by pushing FLO12 the I-Pod becomes a flotation device,” Anderson said.

“Someone broke into my house and I dialed 911 and it began buzzing,” said Leonard Smith after he received a beating during a home invasion. “I dropped it and it stuck to my chest hair and when it was ripped off half my hair went with it.”

“Dialing 911 activates the bikini waxing feature,” Anderson said. “It’s great for sudden hair growth at the beach.”

Pushing MYPETSP1214 will let you spade your pet. Simply dial the code and place the phone under the pet’s genitalia and wait for your pet to cry out then listen for Bob Barker saying “Thank you for spading your pet.” “It may walk funny for about a week,” Anderson cautioned.

“I can’t get a phone call,” said Bob Smith of Londonderry. “Every time someone calls me I get an erection.”

“The I-Phone is currently the world ‘s leader in curing impotence,” Anderson said. “Just have a friend call you and you’re ready to rumble. It will completely replace Viagra.”

When asked when the phone will actually be able to send or receive calls Anderson said he does not expect that to happen this decade.

Al-Qaeda Fires Bin Laden, Courts Chaney

The terrorist group Al-Qaeda announced today that after several-failed attacks in the United Kingdom it had fired Osama Bin Laden as its manager.

“We are looking to take things in a different direction,” an Al-Qaeda spokesperson said. “We haven’t had much success lately and we think bringing in a new manager might shake things up.”

Reached at his secret location in the autonomous region between Afghanistan and Pakistan Bin Laden said: “I cannot believe that this has happened, look at the success we’ve had in the past, the USS Cole, September 11, Bali. We are just in a slump, that’s all, I fully believe we can shake ourselves out of this.”

“What we have to look at,” said one terrorist chief, “is that our last few attempts have been unsuccessful, and unfortunately, in international terrorism, it is: What have you done for us lately.”

Bin Laden counted with: “I manage good but boy did they blow up bad. I tell them, get parking sticker before you leave car, they no listen; I tell them make sure car do not fill up with smoke; they no listen, I tell them drive car into airport then blow it up; they do opposite. I can only plan. I cannot execute.”

Rumored to be the front-runner to replace Bin-Laden as leader of Al-Qaeda is US Vice President Dick Chaney. “He has that cut throat, ruthless streak we are looking for in a manager,” said the Al-Qaeda spokesman. “Also in the last two years he has done more damage to the United States then Bin-Laden could ever dream of.” Cheney is said to be currently mulling the offer in his secret location in the autonomous region between Washington DC and Virginia.

Although it is often common courtesy to let a number two man move in to the number one slot when it becomes available sources say President Bush will do everything possible to retain the Vice President including giving him free reign to torture people who illegally park or jay walk in the Washington metropolitan area.

As for Bin-Laden there are already rumors that MSNBC has offered him the 8:00 PM time slot, but he is more likely to take the offer of Chief CEO of Haliburton.