Monday, May 28, 2007

Bubbledome of doom

A long awaited battle for the UFFC (Ultimate Fast Food Championship) between champion Derek Lindsay, 34, of Taunton, and a Mr. X, from parts unknown, at a Taunton Massachusetts McDonald’s on Thursday, May 24, ended in a melee involving the police, Roland McDonald, and Shrek.

McDonald’s management is being blamed for the incident. Before the event began company spokesman Ronald McDonald got into the bubbledome of doom and began making balloon animals. “They were trying to use my son’s event for publicity!” Lindsay’s mother, also his manger said.

To further complicate matters Shrek then entered the bubbledome. “It was like some sort of freakin’ promotion,” Lindsay said. “The bubbledome of doom is no place for cartoon characters. This was my fight!”

The sight of McDonald and Shrek playing with their balloons caused pandamoneium in the crowd as children rushed into the bubbledome seconds ahead of Lindsay. “I could hardly get in there,” Lindsay said. “The bubbledome is where I do my business, it’s no place for children.”

Lindsay’s child, who is also his trainer, was infuriated when, upon entering the bubbledome of doom, he found children surrounding the clown and ogre. He began to fight his way through the crowd as his father ordered: “Get that effin clown out of the bubbledome.”

Lindsay claims that he was unaware that in the crowd, waiting for his balloon, was the son of his opponent, Mr X, known as Little X. Lindsay’s son pushed Little X from behind just as Mr X climbed into the Bubbledome of doom. Mr X, seeing Little X assaulted, bent down and gave Lindsay a crotch shot from behind, and then lifted him up and slammed the champ through the Spanish announcer’s slide.

A stunned Shrek began to fight his way out of the Bubbledome, squashing three young children. He then ran out of the restaurant and jumped on his waiting donkey breaking three of its vertebrae and causing Shrek to say “Oh donkey!”

Meanwhile Lindsay had gained the advantage peppering Mr. X with soft, plastic, balls. Lindsay then was able to take down Mr. X with a fury of punches while his son performed a leg sweep on Mr. McDonald sending the clown down. Then both Lindsay and his son began to beat on Mr. X with the balloon animals.

The clown, unknown to everyone in the bubbledome, was acting as referee, and signaled for the bell to disqualify Mr. Lindsay for outside interference when suddenly a familiar song began to play over the sound system.

“Oh my God!” the store manager yelled, “That’s the Burger King’s music.” Suddenly the perpetually smiling, crown wearing Burger King was in the bubbledome of doom attacking McDonald and choking him out with a poorly formed balloon animal, reportedly a duck, but more resembling a snake.

The event organizers had to call the police to restore order and Mr. Lindsay, upon hearing the sirens, grabbed his son and left the Bubbledome leaving Mr. X face first in a pile of balls and the Burger King astride Ronald McDonald slapping him and saying: “Whose number one now bitch!”

Lindsay ran outside and climbed in to his SUV when he realized he left his keys, so he picked the vehicle up over his head and began to run down Winthrop Street with it. He tripped in a pothole and fell, and police were able to subdue and handcuff him by popping out the center of two hubcaps, chaining them together, and placing them around his wrist.

Animal control was called to assist with the injured donkey who was eventually put down, not because of his injuries, but likes most asses, he talked to much.

Mr. Lindsay retained his title at UFFC running his record to 27 wins, no losses, and 40 arrests.

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