To: Editors of Harper Collins
From: George Tenant
My intelligence network has informed me that there is a very large amount of profit to be made in what are called “sequels.” I have received numerous reports from field agents saying that best selling books, such as my own, can spawn said sequels, and make even more money than the original. I have it on very reliable sources that such people as a Mr. Harry Potter, and a Mr. Peter Parker, have done so to great success. I suggest a sequel to my bestseller At the Center of the Storm to be called I of the Storm. My sophomore year teacher, Hirable Osama, gave me highly classified Intel stating that using the pronoun I instead of the word “eye” is known as grammatical license. Among the subjects I will be covering in I of the Storm are:
That I did not, under any circumstances, advise then President Clinton that no one gives head like a fat chick.
That I did not contact President Bush on the morning of September 11, 2001 to tell him that the best stance for him to take was to keep reading the goat story then ride around on Air Force One like Payne Stewart until the whole thing blew over.
That I did not tell the President in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina that this was America and no one would give a damn about a bunch of poor spades stuck on their roofs. And in a related story, I did not suggest that we use the footage of these spades on the rooftops, and set it to Otis Redding “Dock of the Bay,” in an attempt to focus the story on the positive aspects of the levee break.
Collin Powell: Dick.
Condoleezza Rice does not have a tan line. Have not been able to get corroborating evidence to suggest why.
It takes Douglas Feith two and a half hour to do Sudoko, and that’s on a Monday.
I did not attend a luncheon in Fort Lauderdale Florida in the winter of 2006 where I told George Steinbrenner that Daisuke Matsuzaka was overrated and the best available foreign intelligence stated that Kei Igawa would be much more effective.
I did not advise Paris Hilton that being on probation and having her license suspended did not mean she could not drive; I am also not the man performing sex with her in the video, I have a much larger codpiece.