Friday, August 3, 2007

My Answer to Danny Ainge

To Danny Ainge: General Manager – Boston Celtics.

Dear Danny:

I would like to start by thanking you for your prompt response to my request for press credentials for the upcoming season. While I must admit I am disappointed that it was rejected I think I know why.

It’s possible that you took an exception to a post on and where it may have seemed that I made a reference to you being the worst GM in the NBA.

I believe I may have written something like the following: “So Danny’s first big move was a huge mistake, trading Antoine, and he has been trying to correct it ever since, including getting Antoine himself, and each time he tries to correct it the price gets steeper and steeper.”

I can see why this may have upset you, and how you might have mistakenly thought the tone of the piece was negative since it basically said you were the worst GM in the NBA.

But I think there were a couple of points missed in this post. One is that it was satire. Obviously, with your recent acquisition of Kevin Garnett you have proven that you are at the top of your field. You took a team with the second worst record and turned it into a team that is contending for a championship, so when I said you sucked, it was ironic, because you’re obviously so good. People read that and said: “Oh I get it, it’s like saying Dick Cheney is unpopular, it’s irony.”

Also, by posting this nationally, I was making the other GM’s think that you were a rube. Imagine your old friend Kevin McHale reading that post and then you call him with a proposal for the Garnett trade and he thinks “Hmmm, I just read a piece by that Gay guy on the internet who said Danny was a sucky GM. I need to make this trade and take advantage of him.” So he does, and you end up looking like a genius, pretty much thanks to me, not that I’m looking for credit or anything, you know, just press credentials.

(You know, between you and me Danny, I don’t want to kick them when their down after the tragic bridge collapse, but have you noticed that anyone who stays too long in Minnesota: Bob Dylan, Prince, Jesse Ventura, Ted Baxter, Kevin McHale, gradually loses their mind? Might be all that snow.)

So you see, when you got my application, you probably thought, “I’m not giving that jerk press credentials,” but pal, I was on your side the entire time.

Now, thanks to me, with of course, help from you, and Mule Head McHale you have rebuilt the Celtics who will once again be ready to challenge for the title.

There is just one little question I have, and I don’t mean to be flip or get you upset, but, what exactly are we supposed to do about the other two guys who are going to play with them?

You remember in the 80’s after Len Bias died. At that time CBS was running their popular “Red On Roundball” halftime show and those heartless people at National Lampoon ran a piece called “Red On Deadball,” where plays were drawn up for Larry Bird and Robert Parrish to play while McHale carried two dead guys around the court. While I found it, of course, tasteless, I was reminded of it this week because it seems to me that your plan may include Garnett carrying two dead guys all over the court.

And that’s a fine plan, really, he’s a big guy, we did get him to carry the team, but I think it may tire him out, and having to carry two bodies may also limit his rebounding capabilities. I know you have high hopes for Rajon Rondo, as did I as soon as I found out he wasn’t a villain on Smallville, and we have Tony Allen coming back after being viciously injured by the floor while dunking a minute after the whistle blew, so good game sense there, and Kendrick Perkins, who has shown a great deal of promise, if you expect very little.

Then there’s the bench led by Big Baby. Nothing gets me more stoked for a season then going to see a guy named Big Baby. It’s like going to Thanksgiving at my brother-in-laws but having to pay for it.

But then again, you are playing in the diluted eastern conference so with your new black (I mean big) three you should make a run at the NBA finals. And once you’re in the finals the C’s will probably be bigger road kill then the Cavaliers but who knows, right? And just because Allen, Pierce and Garnett will probably have to play 48 a night doesn’t concern me. They do get the summer off.

And you have Doc Rivers, he of the 12-man rotation, coaching the team. Doc has as much winning playoff experience as his namesake does getting into the sack with Snow White. But he never had talent like this. Danm, the man has 33% of a basketball team, who could ask for more?

Looking over things Danny, maybe you and I are going about this all wrong. Perhaps once again we can help one another.

I never played organized ball after middle school, I’m 5-8 and weigh about 200 pounds, some of is solid muscle, and some home made brownies. I have a decent out side shot, my Yorkshire Terrier cannot get the ball from me when I’m determined, I used to have a cross over dribble, now if I move too quickly my testicles cross over, but the point is, I come cheap, you need a guy for Garnett to carry around, once again we are a marriage made in heaven.

So let me know Danny, and if not then I will go golfing with you in May, you know, after the first round of the playoffs, when you’ll have nothing better to do.

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