Mitt Romney disclosed that he has a personal fortune of over 250 million dollars and that he was able to buy the Iowa Straw poll for “pocket change.”
96 members of the Romney family flooded Iowa in the weeks before the straw poll to aid his campaign. “Dad has 250 million dollars,” son Tag, who drives the bus that his brothers ride in to stump for their dad, said. “If Pop wants to me steer this thing into the Mississippi for 250 million it’s a done deal.”
Romney is planning to use his personal fortune to buy the votes in several early primary states hoping the momentum will carry him to the presidency. He figures to spend less than five million in New Hampshire promising free drive way plowing for the next four years, the re-carving of the Old Man in the Mountain in his image, and a ban on European leaders jet-skiing in a thong on Lake Winnipesaukee.
Romney hopes to spend ten million buying votes in South Carolina promising free weekend barbeques, building a new racetrack, and fixing each Nascar race so Dale Earnhardt Jr. will win.
In Florida he plans to stick to the more traditional campaign of just paying off the people who count the votes.
Not all Romney family members are happy to see their personal fortunes squandered on their father’s Presidential campaign. Said one son who refused to be identified “If Dad spends every dime he has being elected then we’re going to end up like the Bush twins, drunk, constantly without panties, and having contracted an STD.”
At a function later that day when told of his son’s comments Romney, who is protected by a car similar to the bullet proof Pope mobile except this one only covers his hair, said that, while his sons were not serving in Iraq, they were serving the country by letting their father squander their fortunes leaving them drunk, naked and with crabs, “like many of our soldiers in Iraq.”