The terrorist group Al-Qaeda announced today that after several-failed attacks in the United Kingdom it had fired Osama Bin Laden as its manager.
“We are looking to take things in a different direction,” an Al-Qaeda spokesperson said. “We haven’t had much success lately and we think bringing in a new manager might shake things up.”
Reached at his secret location in the autonomous region between Afghanistan and Pakistan Bin Laden said: “I cannot believe that this has happened, look at the success we’ve had in the past, the USS Cole, September 11, Bali. We are just in a slump, that’s all, I fully believe we can shake ourselves out of this.”
“What we have to look at,” said one terrorist chief, “is that our last few attempts have been unsuccessful, and unfortunately, in international terrorism, it is: What have you done for us lately.”
Bin Laden counted with: “I manage good but boy did they blow up bad. I tell them, get parking sticker before you leave car, they no listen; I tell them make sure car do not fill up with smoke; they no listen, I tell them drive car into airport then blow it up; they do opposite. I can only plan. I cannot execute.”
Rumored to be the front-runner to replace Bin-Laden as leader of Al-Qaeda is US Vice President Dick Chaney. “He has that cut throat, ruthless streak we are looking for in a manager,” said the Al-Qaeda spokesman. “Also in the last two years he has done more damage to the United States then Bin-Laden could ever dream of.” Cheney is said to be currently mulling the offer in his secret location in the autonomous region between Washington DC and Virginia.
Although it is often common courtesy to let a number two man move in to the number one slot when it becomes available sources say President Bush will do everything possible to retain the Vice President including giving him free reign to torture people who illegally park or jay walk in the Washington metropolitan area.
As for Bin-Laden there are already rumors that MSNBC has offered him the 8:00 PM time slot, but he is more likely to take the offer of Chief CEO of Haliburton.