Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Pope Names McCain Patron Saint of Lost Causes

Pope Benedict XVI has named Arizona Senator John McCain the patron saint of lost causes.

The appointment came after McCain left the Senate floor where he gave a speech supporting President Bush’s hopeless plan in Iraq; and then expressed confidence that his campaign was still viable.

McCain said he expected his candidacy to rebound, but pundits compared it to the Robert Rodrigues/Quintin Tarantino film Grindhouse, which bombed like a Volvo outside an Iraqi café.

In hopes of reviving his campaign McCain fired many top advisors and is looking to replace them with cheap illegal aliens with passable English skills.

McCain questioned many staffers on missing campaign funds, which led to the exit of his top advisors. Aides claim that much of the money was spent on equipping the candidate’s “Straight Talk Express” for a planned jump over the Grand Canyon on the 4th of July. McCain aborted the stunt when advisors convinced him there were Viet Cong down there.

Subsequently the Straight Talk Express has been renamed the “Get the f**k off the Bus Express.”

Staffers still say they believe McCain can win the Presidency and fulfill hiss optimistic view of America; a country filled with Mexicans and no Arabs.

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