I Phone No One Answers

The I-Phone has quickly become a hot selling item among consumers this weekend with its multiple functions and uses. Tony Duarte of Pittsburgh said: “I don’t know how to make a phone call with the thing.”

Apple’s new geek toy has proven to be a popular instrument in the field of self-pleasure. “It has several vibrating attachments,” said Apple creative director Arthur Anderson. “Say that you have always dreamed of having Brad Pitt somewhere in your body. You could choose his picture, and his sex voice tone, and then put it in the orifice of your choice, and he could vibrate and talk to you at the same time. It is very stimulating, although it is recommended you wipe it off afterwards.”

“I was stuck in a flood,” said Margaret Jones of Texas, “and I tried to call for help and the thing didn’t work.”

“If Ms. Jones had read the 25,000 page instructional manual she would have found on page 12,620 that by pushing FLO12 the I-Pod becomes a flotation device,” Anderson said.

“Someone broke into my house and I dialed 911 and it began buzzing,” said Leonard Smith after he received a beating during a home invasion. “I dropped it and it stuck to my chest hair and when it was ripped off half my hair went with it.”

“Dialing 911 activates the bikini waxing feature,” Anderson said. “It’s great for sudden hair growth at the beach.”

Pushing MYPETSP1214 will let you spade your pet. Simply dial the code and place the phone under the pet’s genitalia and wait for your pet to cry out then listen for Bob Barker saying “Thank you for spading your pet.” “It may walk funny for about a week,” Anderson cautioned.

“I can’t get a phone call,” said Bob Smith of Londonderry. “Every time someone calls me I get an erection.”

“The I-Phone is currently the world ‘s leader in curing impotence,” Anderson said. “Just have a friend call you and you’re ready to rumble. It will completely replace Viagra.”

When asked when the phone will actually be able to send or receive calls Anderson said he does not expect that to happen this decade.