Monday, July 9, 2007

Geriatic Performers Drain Live Earth

The amount of good that the Live Earth concerts achieved has been offset by the amount of non-renewable energy used to keep the geratic performers satisfied.

Problems began in London when promoters could not keep the Rascal scooter used to get Phil Collins to the stage charged. Auxiliary generators had to be acquired to start the elderly transporter. Once on stage Collins had to stop several times for oxygen, then demanded a case of Lipitor be flown in for the after party.

In New Jersey Roger Waters body had to be flown in a special air-conditioned plane from the cryogenics lab where it has been kept frozen. Despite hot July temperatures Waters’ body did not thaw and extra heaters needed to be rushed in. Waters was revived minutes before taking the stage.

Waters showed his age by changing the lyrics to “Brian Damage:”

Get those f***ing kids off my grass

Get those f***ing kids off my grass

I’ll call the police unless someone gets those kids off my grass

Got to keep the f***ing kids off my grass”

In America extra water needed to be piped in making people in upper New Jersey suffer from low water pressure and causing a sprinkler ban; because Sting’s hair needs to be watered every 15 minutes or it turns brown and falls out. Also many in London lost power as Madonna insisted her vibrator needed more juice before taking stage yelling at her manager: “I need more power Scotty,” while Scotty yelled back “I am doing everything I can be she’s breaking up down here.”

Organizer Al Gore still claimed the concert was a success saying the public learned just how much energy it takes to keep a few pampered, sexually indulgent, balding rock stars satisfied.

No comments: