The Commonwealth of Massachusetts is reporting that a recent influx of beaver in the state has caused hardships for many residents.
The beaver population, once near extinction in Massachusetts in the 80’s and 90’s is now thriving. Legislature Jane Thomas said the lack of good beaver in the late 20th century led to the passage of the gay marriage bill. “Without beaver, men seeking companionship had to find comfort with one another.”
But now, with the beaver explosion, it is many of the beavers themselves that are suffering. As many as two out of three beavers were unable to find dates for the dam prom. Thousands of parents had to stay home and comfort they’re little broken hearted beavers. “No one wants to go out with the ones with big teeth,” Thomas said.
The opponents of gay marriage in the state are concerned that the influx of beavers could make the institution more popular. “You put a bunch of lonely beavers together and the next thing you know they’re building dykes. Too many dykes and your state becomes flooded with gay marriages.”
Former Governor and now Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has come under fire for admitting that during a trip from Boston to Ontario in 1983 he only had room in the car for his five boys so he tied his beaver to the roof for the long ride. The former Governor could be facing charges of cruelty to his beaver if he returns to the state. The beaver lost control of its bodily functions on the trip and was later diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, although no connection has been made between the two.
Besides an increase in beavers the Massachusetts Fish and Game commission also says they have seen record numbers of: pussies, coochs, poontangs, quim, bearded clams, cooters, minges, muffs, bajingos, hoo hoos, cunnies, roast beef curtains, loose meat sandwiches, poonany, whisker biscuits, and twats.
Authorities were able to catch many of these critters during the annual Filene’s Basement bridal dress sale. Thousands of beavers streamed into the basement after the bait of cheap dresses. Once they were there the doors were sealed and the beavers were trapped.
“It is something we debated about,” said a member of the Fish and Game commission, “but if you have to bash the beaver, at least bash it in a wedding dress.”