A thirteen-year-old Virginia boy has been suspended from school for hugging his girl friend in the school cafeteria, a violation of the school’s no touching rule.
“We absolutely forbid any physical contact between students,” said Howie Mandel, Principal of the Obsessive Compulsive Junior High School.
“We encourage self-touching if you desire physical contact,” Mandel said. “Instead of hugging his girl friend, the young man, in accordance with school policies, should have whipped it out and began masturbating. Nothing garners a young lady’s interest faster than masturbating in her general direction.”
The no touching rule covers all activity on school ground including athletic events, which explains why their football team was winless and gave up an average of 61 touchdowns a game.
To accommodate the no touching policy the school was modified in the past year so the corridors are now 50 yards wide and there are 160 separate single stall bathrooms.
PTA chairperson Hermonia Hughes said that she supports the school’s no touching rule. “Touching leads to petting, and petting leads to kissing, and kissing leads to intercourse and that leads to name calling like: ‘There goes Hermonia, the town pump with her mixed race child’; and Daddy disowns you and you end up living in a trailer park on the infield of the racetrack and the welfare people snicker at you until you go to Africa and pass the kid off as an orphan so some pop star pays you a million dollars for it and you move to a new town and start over.” After hyperventilating into a bag Hughes finished by saying: “Of course, this is an extreme case I only heard about.”
Mandel said that the policy discourages fighting. “We don’t want any physical contact, but we know there are going to be conflicts, so when the children enter school in the morning we give them handguns. At first we passed out knives but there was still too much touching. With guns they can settle their differences while maintaining several feet between them.”
Twelve students at OCJH have been shot to death in the last year but only one student has been suspended when they tried to perform CPR on a dying classmate.
Seniors complained when their prom was held at the Pocahontas State Correctional Center with male students on one side of the glass and females on the other. When songs played students put their hands on the glass and swayed back and forth. Poor planning put the females on the prisoner’s side of the glass leading to some very illegal touching when the male prisoners wandered into the prom area. “I got dumped at the prom for a guy doing 5-10 for armed robbery,” Todd Smith lamented.
Graduates will have their diplomas mailed to them: “To avoid all that icky post-graduate hugging,” Mandel said.