Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Circumcisions Suddenly Cut Off, Numbers Fall to the Floor

The number of circumcisions in the United States have been sharply clipped away and now their length is shorter than at previous levels.

Moyer Benjamin Weinstein, President of Synagouges Needing Israeli Penises (SNIP) has stated that the trend has driven many in his profession to work in restaurants cutting the ends off of stalks of celery. “And that doesn’t pay like a good dick whacking,” Weinstein said.

Timmy Deitlzer, born to a Sacramento family, is credited with starting the movement when, at three days of age, in the hospital, as the procedure began, he spoke his first words, stating: “Holy shit get the guy with the knife away from my johnson!”

“We were really impressed,” said his mother Beverly Deitlzer, “but also embarrassed when he grabbed the knife and shoved it into the doctor’s groin.”

Upon his release from the hospital, and a two-month stay in the Sacramento Baby Penitentiary, Timmy began acting strangely in Day Care. “He would build a wall with his blocks then begin meeting other boys behind them, we could not understand what was happening,” said one of the workers.

Soon after these meetings “Boys Against Less Long Swankers” or “BALLS” was born.

The baby boys began picketing outside local hospitals, chanting “Hell no let our Peepies Grow!” but soon the lines broke into disarray as the children began coloring their signs with crayons, wandering off in look of their mommies, or soiling themselves and playing with it. Local police had to break up the picket line with rattles, pacifiers, and in extreme cases, actual lactating nipples. “Lunch!” the boys cried.

Many Los Angels professionals who Support Circumcision, and call themselves LAX, blame Mexican immigrants, who do not perform circumcision, as leading to the change. “Of course we don’t perform circumcision,” Miguel Jiminez, a recent √©migr√© from Mexico said. “How do you tell your little boy, OK bad news, we live in Mexico, and worse news: we cut your dick off, now go out in the street and play?”

“It was so hard for me to tell my Timmy why we cut half his wee-wee off,” Rebecca Ewing of Orange County said. “I swear if our gardener doesn’t stop dropping his pants in front of the boy I don’t care how cheap illegal immigration workers are I am sending him back.”

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