The United States Supreme Court, in a 5-4 vote, declared that Bong hits for Jesus were illegal.
Jesus Fuentes, an unemployed roofer from Corpus Christi was outraged at the decision. “My brothers Pedro and Enrique do bong hits all day long and I have to sit there sucking on my little joint trying to keep up, it’s not fair,” he said.
Members of the ACLU were shocked at the decision. “To deny a person the right to occasionally take a bong hit because of their first name is a clear violation of their civil rights,” Jesus’ attorney Maureen Goodwin said.
Members of the Christian Right expect to see more white American children named Jesus. Mary McCarthy, a pregnant member of the St. Jude’s parish in Pittsburgh said, “It’s good to know that if I have a boy and he’s named Jesus he won’t be able to do bong hits. I will sleep peacefully at night knowing that when he becomes a teenager he’ll just be drinking and whoring like all the other good Christian boys.”
Manuel Ortega of the Mexican Council called the ruling prejudicial against his people. “We have to crawl under fences, swim the Rio Grande, hide from boarder security, enter the country in the trunk of a car, and when we get here, and it’s time to unwind, we have to ask if any of them are named Jesus, and if so, break the news: No bong hits for you.”
Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior to a dwindling amount of the population, was reportedly outraged at the decision, claiming hypocrisy. “You’re going to tell me my father never did bong hits?” he asked. “Look at the world, you would have to be stoned out of your mind to create what he did. I mean come on, putting wings on rats to make bats, definitely the act of a stoned man.”
Jesus said that he is under a tremendous amount of pressure: “People pray to me for their health, to get a job, that their children are safe, that their freaking baseball team wins, I mean My Name Almighty, sometimes a guy has to unwind. But I guess I’ll just have to stick to the Manischewitz.”Buddha held a press conference saying, while holding his breath that he felt “terrible for Jesus, its rough man,” than exhaled a large amount of smoke and retreated to his temple.