A Melbourne man who was caught by his girl friend masturbating in front of her two young children was stabbed twice by the woman, but refused to relinquish his grip on his mighty sword.
“I came home from my spinning class,” said Carley Nelson, “and found him in the shower naked, and treating his body like an amusement park in front of my son and daughter. I yelled at him to stop but he said he would not until Paris was free. I told him the Nazi’s had vacated the city 60 years earlier, but he was not satisfied. He then demanded I leave the area because I was making him lose concentration.
“When I tried to remove my two children he said I couldn’t because his arms were tired and he needed someone to hold the pictures.”
Said Jimmy Nelson, 8, “It was either hold the pictures or the swanker, and we decided to hold the pictures.”
Ms. Nelson then entered the kitchen, grabbed a carving knife and stabbed the man, Donny Peter, twice in the thigh. Although Peter lost his rhythm he continued with the act of self-flagellation.
Peter, President of the “Pump off to Paris” fan club, had tried to organize a world wide circle jerk until Paris Hilton was freed from her Los Angeles prison, called “Jerking off until She’s Off,” but, he couldn’t get their members up for the project.
Peter then decided to do the protest individually, in his girlfriend’s shower after she left him baby sitting, but he became distracted by the children watching the “Backyarddigans,” calling Uniqua a “stiff dick remedy;” and he found it to difficult to hold the pictures of Paris and perform the sexual act which is how the children became involved.
When the stabbing proved unsuccessful the mother of two got a brick and whacked it against Peter’s head, but the determined monkey spanker, while stunned, maintained a firm grip on his giant knob.
She then got a baseball bat and slammed it into his knees, but still, the man who came to be known as the Rasputin of chicken chokers valiantly held on to his own cock.
By then the police arrived and removed the children, but then took up a position in the hall because they knew his loaded pistol was about to go off.
A Brisbane Masturbation Negotiator was able to work with Los Angela county officials to end the crises, and, in an amazing coincidence, both Paris and Peter got off simultaneously.
Said Ms. Nelson, “If he and I could get off simultaneously I wouldn’t have to spend as much time alone in the shower either.”