New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg withdrew from the Republican Party yesterday causing the unsatisfied Party to slam its palm on the headboard, fumble in the nightstand for batteries, and disappear into the bathroom.
The sudden withdrawal left several political pundits facing a dilemma. Tim Russert of NBC news stated: “We have a map with blue states and red states, if Bloomberg runs what color will his states be? They can’t be white; everyone wants to live in a white state. Can’t be black, no one wants to live in a black state. Purple, orange, yellow? All too gay. We are saving green if Gore runs. Plus, that white board I use to calculate electrical college votes is only big enough for two candidates.” NBC has announced it has commissioned a 400 million dollar study to answer these questions.
“How we react to Bloomberg is a topic of discussion,” said one Democratic candidate’s advisor. “We hate everything about the Republicans, but do we hate Bloomberg? Do we embrace him? Which of these?”
Reached at his office in Gracie Mansion Bloomberg said: “It’s not a problem for me, I’m a New Yorker, we hate everybody.”
An advisor to a Republican candidate said: “The last thing we need in this election is a Jew. We got a woman, a black guy, a Mormon, if Bloomberg joins we’ll be one Hindu away from a Jackie Mason bit.”
There is also speculation that the three nominated candidates will be from New York: Hilary Clinton is leading the Democratic field and Rudolph Giuliani is leading the Republicans. Said one New Yorker: “If its three of our guys they oughta just let us decide the thing, it’s not like we give a crap what the rest of the country thinks anyway.”
Some suggest that Giuliani, Clinton and Bloomberg could join forces to run as a Presidential law firm.
Proponents of this idea picture a commercial with William Shatner saying: “Lose a family member to a terrorist attack? Worried about unfriendly nations having atomic weapons? Do you want someone to pay? Here at Giuliani, Clinton and Bloomberg we will make them pay and get you the satisfaction you deserve.” Cut to a cave at the Pakistan Afghanistan boarder: A young man enters. “Sheik Osama, we are being sued over our last terrorist attack.” “Who is representing the infidels?” Osama asks. “Giuliani, Clinton and Bloomberg,” he answers. “Oy-vay, better settle.”