America’s Minister for Debauchery and Lewdness, Ronald P. Wilcox, announced today that the country is facing a shortage of drunken ho starlets.
America had been enjoying the golden age of drunken ho starlets, beginning with Madonna pleasuring herself on a bed wearing a wedding dress and lip synching to “I’m a Virgin” and continuing to Britney Spears’ head shaving and Paris Hilton’s and Lindsay Lohan’s driving exploits, but now, with Hilton in jail, Lohan in rehab, and Britney seeking help, America has no where to turn to fill their drunken ho starlet needs.
At a press conference outside the Roosevelt Hotel Wilcox lamented that at this time of great strife the lack of drunken ho starlets to take the public’s mind off of how badly the Government has screwed up the world, is disastrous.
“Last night we had the paparazzi stationed outside an In-and-Out burger to catch Kelly Clarkson at the Drive-Thru,” Wilcox said. “That is not enough to satisfy the American people.
Wilcox feels that the country relied too long on Hilton, Lohan and Spears for it’s drunken ho starlet needs. “We had to develop new drunken ho starlets, we lost sight of the fact that those three hos couldn’t carry the load forever.
Some newer starlets showed promise. “We had big hopes for Jessica Simpson,” Wilcox said. “But John Mayer made her cry. Drunken ho starlets should eat singer-songwriters for breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you’re going to be broken by John Mayer how are you going to handle James Morrison?”
Her sister Ashlee also showed promise “but she has been perceived as a stupid ho starlet,” Wilcox said. “No matter how drunk we got the little ho she was still stupid.
“It’s true that we have Nicole Richie,” Wilcox continued. “But she resembles a drunken Ethiopian marathoner ho. We gave Bob Dole naked pictures of her and it took six Viagra just to get a spot of wood. It only took three for him to have a full erection looking at a picture of Eddie Izzard.”
Wilcox lamented the marriage of Christina Aguliera. “She had the potential to outshine them all,” Wilcox said. “But then she got married, and unlike Britney she did not care enough about her country to marry a total tool.”
He also lashed out at some other starlets who he feels are not carrying their weight: “Jessica Alba could be a dream come true but she is hardly ever drunk, won’t let anyone see her titties and insists on wearing underwear. Personally I think it is a mistake. You can’t open a movie in this country if people don’t know if you shave your va-jay-jay. Scarlett Johansson is more interested in making quality movies than being a ho. We have Meryl Streep to act. We need drunken ho’s! And don’t get me started on Jessica Biel, she can’t act, she’ll show her titties, but she refuses to puke outside a club or pass out in the street. Dammit woman we’re at war!”
Wilcox did acknowledge that he appreciated the work being done by lesser starlet ho’s. “Denise Richards is always good for a headline, she is definitely a ho, and rarely sober, but her inability to project any emotion beyond nausea has kept her from achieving starlet status. No matter how many times Vanessa Marcil gets drunk and needs to be carried to a car by Jeremy Piven she’s still only the third female lead on a moderately successful show, and the age factor is working against her. But her country does appreciate the effort.”
When questioned about Tara Reid Wilcox said, “Even Americans have to draw the line somewhere. We like our ho’s to have the slightest chance of rehabilitation. We’re still a little put off by someone who thinks having to recalculate her dildo is a good reason to miss church.”
Rumors are that the United States is trying to work out a deal with England where we would return David Beckham and receive Kate Moss. An unnamed source in the Department of Debauchery and Lewdness said America does not need someone who will gets drunk and kicks a ball, but does need someone who will get drunk and lick some balls.
Finally Wilcox urged Americans to stay vigilant and alert and if they see Hayden Panettiere, Anne Hathaway or Carrie Underwood in a club you could to no greater service to this country then buying them multiple drinks then getting them to perform oral sex on you in an alley while filming it on your cell phone.
“Uncle Sam needs drunk starlet ho’s!” Wilcox concluded. “And we can’t do it without you!”