Voting Dog Has Issues

A Washington state woman recently admitted that she registered her dog Duncan as a voter and allowed him to cast absentee ballots in several elections.

With America’s voter registration regulations second only to pre-invasion Iraq in abuses, chances are high that more dogs will be registering to vote before the 2008 Presidential election. Duncan has put the following on IamadogandIgottovote.com to gear candidates towards issues that could secure what may be the swing dog vote.

“Shut that Bob Barker the hell up!” Duncan demanded. “Spade and neuter means no sex. People get to have sex all the time, we know we sleep on the bed and keep rolling over on the wet spot. Daddy got’s to have some! You people can make birth control pills for yourselves, how about for us? Just mush it up in the food or stick it in a Snausage, we will eat anything if we can get laid.

“ Stop feeding us food made in China. There is a big difference between food made in China and Chinese food. Eggfuyoung may be good for you, wheat glutton sucks for us. What is wheat glutton anyway? If you won’t eat it don’t be feeding it to us. And for heaven’s sake if you can’t stand the smell of it don’t serve it. And just let the whole eating our own feces thing go. It’s something we do but don’t talk about.

“Stop dressing us up like we’re your dolls Sally! God gave us fur to cover our nasty parts we don’t need a sweater saying Mommy’s little girl. We got pulled away from Mommy while sucking her nipple, you’re not our mommy, get over it. And no bows in the hair either. Buy yourselves American Girl dolls if you need to dress something.

“Give us a break when we relieve ourselves on the rug. We live with you people and we know what you do on the rug.

“Just give us five minutes with that ‘Dog Whisperer’ guy. Pack leader? Calm and assertive? My ass. The guy’s got a cameraman and soundman with him wherever he goes. You ever been whacked in the head with a boom mike? Put him in that cage with us without backup, he’ll be submitting faster than a Poodle at the pound.

“Anyone who, while playing fetch with a tennis ball, does the fake throw thing so we go chasing after nothing, is put to death immediately.”

Duncan is planning to meet with both Hilary Clinton and Rudolph Giuliani in the coming weeks. When asked how he will decide whom to vote for he said a good whiff of the ass will be the determining factor.