Republican Presidential candidate and well-known moron Mitt Romney announced today that if he were elected President he would give his Presidential salary to charity. Upon hearing this a stunned President George Bush remarked: “I get to blow stuff up and get paid too?”
Romney was speaking to a group of starving Liberty and Mutual employees who were praying that the smiling, bobble-headed candidate would stop speaking so they could take their last quarters and put it in their meters, because if they got a ticket they wouldn’t be able to feed their families; when Romney disclosed that his current net worth is somewhere between $190 million and $250 million. “And you thought Jews controlled all the world’s money,” Romney, who became the nation’s most famous Mormon after Donny Osmond’s Pyramid game show got canceled, said laughing
As chants of “Kill the Mormon,” slowly built in the crowd Romney recounted how he did not accept the $350,000 a year salary as Governor of Massachusetts because “I lose more than that in change when I drop my drawers on the bathroom floor,” and because he only spent ten days in the state after being elected Governor. His successor, Deval Patrick, the first African-American governor of Massachusetts, when asked if he would follow in Romney’s footsteps by not accepting a salary said” Oh, hell no, a brother’s got to get paid!”
As a Mormon Romney gives a tithe of 10% of his money to the church. When asked what the Church of Latter Day Saints spent its $25 million on the perpetually smiling Romney answered: “Bitches.”
When other Republican candidates were asked if they would meet Romney’s pledge former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said: “Buddy, when you’ve got two ex-wives and you’re one lingering look with Judy Woodruff from having a third you hold on to every dime they give you;” Arizona Senator John McCain said” “Sure, I gave up five years of my life in a Vietnamese prison, why not give up my salary too, and while we’re at it, how about a limb? Would you like a limb too you viscous bastards! How about a kidney, just reach up my ass and pull it out, go ahead!”
Meanwhile former Bush cabinet member Tommy Thompson, when asked, just dropped to his knees and wept, thankful that someone had spoken to him.
While the Liberty and Mutual workers were desperately trying to split a Three Musketeers bar 700 ways, Romney continued talking about how he amassed his fortune, and then how he, unlike the other candidates, was not a Washington insider, and would be the type of man who could save the country, a Governor, who had been a businessman with a history of working in sports, before Romney’s voice trailed off and he began to hit himself in the head and repeatedly say: “stupid, stupid, stupid.”
To try and regain momentum Romney changed his speech to criticizing Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton for not supporting the Iraq War funding bill before confiding in the audience that he could have funded the whole thing by cashing in a single T-bill.
Romney then gave a kiss and wave to the crowd as the Beatles “It’s Money That I Want,” played from the loudspeakers and he left the hall as the crowd, on their knees, followed him with outstretched hands begging for food.