Beware of Killer Sand Holes at Beach

According a recent report in the “New England Journal of Medicine” more people have been killed at beaches by sand holes than by sharks.

In the latest incident a young Australian boy was killed, when, while playing in the sand, he was sat on by a 300-pound woman wearing a thong and was smothered between her cheeks.

“The number of children we have to revive after being carelessly sat on by thong wearing fatties is staggering,” said one Melbourne lifeguard. “Just last month it took three of us to free a lad from this lady’s ass, and a half hour to revive him.”

It’s not just overweight thong wearing female sand holes that are a threat either. “My young daughter saw a 450 pound man in a Speedo coming towards her and she became so frightened she ran straight into the ocean,” said a woman living in Nantucket. “We were barely able to rescue her in time. Now, when she sees an elephant on TV she gets the vapors.”

According to the report it’s not just overweight sand holes we need to be concerned about. A young child in Venice Beach had to be rushed to the hospital when drunken frat boys playing beach volleyball trampled him. “It’s almost impossible to go to the beach without encountering a sand hole,” his father said.

Margaret Thompson of Miami Beach lost her 76–year-old husband to a sand hole. “We were sitting on the beach minding our own business when these two little hot twenty year old girls walked by with their thongs barely covering their sand holes, and I heard Joe make a gasping sound and then his heart just stopped.”

Dorsal Fin Jones, a spokesman for the National Shark Association, said that sharks have been trying to keep up to the number of deaths caused by sand holes but have been futile in their efforts. “They have the advantage,” Jones said. “They are on land, we have to just snap at limbs and maybe get a torso, now if we could figure out how to get on land, we could even the score, but stuck in the ocean, we’re swimming against the tide.”

Occasionally, a death can be caused by both sand holes and sharks. Polly Swenson of London said that while on a trip to Bermuda her husband Andy took Viagra before going to the beach, and then, when seeing the young hot sand holes, got an erection, which he tried to hide by going into the ocean. “Then a tiger shark came by and bit his swanker clean off,” Polly said. “You know he always dreamed of getting head from a shark, but his dream turned into a bloody nightmare.”

According the Dorsal Fin Jones the swanker tasted like chicken.